The chains that bind women

A lack of self-worth and financial dependency are two reasons women remain in abusive relationships, according to Professor Rachel Jewkes, the secretary of the Sexual Violence Research Initiative at the South African Medical Research Council.

“Women come to excuse or forgive the rough times because they appreciate the good ones and generally feel they lack much better options,” Jewkes said.

For Vuyelwa Gwebane Mpambo, the good times kept her believing that she should stay in her marriage with her abusive husband.

“I’m so angry with myself, because I kept on giving him a chance. I would see his good side and I remember one day he said I made him like that, because he loved me so much. He said he had never loved like this before and that is why he is acting the way he acts,” she said.

Money

Being financially dependent on an abusive partner is another reason for not leaving abusive relationships, said Jewkes.

Andrea Walters remembers that, when she tried to leave her husband, he threatened to take everything she had away.

“He said to me: ‘You will leave with nothing.’

“When I left, I didn’t even have clothes. I had to borrow clothes from my mother and my best friend,” she said.

Mental health

Walters’s life was so badly affected by the abuse she suffered that she had a nervous breakdown and withdrew from her family and friends.

“He managed to mentally break me down to the point where I ended up in a mental institution. He alienated me from my family and friends, and I’m a very outgoing person normally.

“I ended up being completely and utterly housebound,” she said.

Fear of being a failure

The widespread violence in South Africa is also a reason why women believe they cannot leave abusive partners, Jewkes said.

“They see violence as something that women have to tolerate and often they have seen that in their family and community growing up,” she said.

Thembi Mazibuko* said she thought she would be seen as a failure if she left her marriage.

“I was ashamed of being seen as a failure. I hoped he would change,” she said. — Ra’eesa Pather

*A pseudonym