… IT’S A FUN RIDE

Dear Elon,

Maybe it’s because I write about pop culture and not space, tech, or cybermoney – could someone please explain blockchain to me again? I swear I’ll get it this time! – but it’s been hard to follow what’s going on with you. First, you were the eccentric tech billionaire I’d been waiting for. Rather than doing something boring and responsible with your money – say, purchasing a newspaper or politician – you used it to start making dangerous toys for adults. Rockets. Plug-in cars that drive themselves. The ‘ hyperloop’. Friggin’ flamethrowers.

Then, instead of being Batman, you turned into a supervillain. Insulting on Twitter the man who rescued the Thai soccer players from a cave? Crying during a New York Times interview, because you had to work on your birthday once? Seriously, dude, what the hell? Why aren’t you out torching things with your fire gun?

But the saving grace was your girlfriend. Especially because she was the weirdo alt-pop musician Grimes. I was like, my Grimes? Dating Elon Musk? (Surely this was her experimental art project commenting on the evils of capitalism, ironically patronised by you as a promotion for some new 4D camera that will wind up with a five-figure price tag and six-year wait list.)

You showed up together at the 2018 Met Gala in New York dressed like rich vampires and it was … endearing. Adorable, even. It was sweet to watch you spooky kids awkwardly dance in front of statues on Vogue’s Instagram feed. I smiled when I read the text messages leaked by Grimes’s rapper friend Azealia Banks about how she thought you manipulated the stock price of Tesla to $420 to reflect your new Grimes-induced affinity for marijuana.

And now you’ve unfollowed each other on social media. I can only assume it’s your fault, so you need to fix this, Elon. Because damned if, reflected in Grimes’s creepy eyes, you haven’t seemed like the guy who wanted to shoot me across the country at 1 230 km/h again.

The reckless, swaggering glee that let you waltz with a goth pop star is the same high-flying mania that gave us Tesla and Spacex and dreams of the hyperloop. And right now, we need some impossible things to believe in. So, Elon, shut down your social media accounts, turn up the Grimes, and be a hero.

From Anna Peele