Surviving a long distance relationship

Dear Rakhi, My boyfriend has to relocate from Durban to Johannesburg for work and everyone around me is warning me that long distance relationships do not work.

I love him very much and don't want to end things.

I'm afraid the distance is going to drive us apart, but I'm confused about whether to end things or to try a long distance relationship.

I'm quite secure in my job in Durban, so relocating is not an option for me at present, although I may consider it in future.

What do you think is the best way forward? RELATIONSHIPS are often hard work and long distance relationships may be even more so. However, there are many who do seem to succeed.

I think at the outset it is important for you and your boyfriend to realistically discuss how his relocation is going to impact on your relationship.

Consider your relationship goals and discuss whether they are still attainable with this move. It is important to share the goals for your relationship and future and outline ways you are going to try to achieve these goals.

So with him moving away, how do you see yourselves being together again?

Will you eventually find a job in Johannesburg? Or does he plan to return? And in what time frame do you expect that this return may happen?

If you do see a future together, discuss your needs and expectations of each other.

You both need to be equally committed to making this work.

In this electronic age, it is much easier to stay in touch.

So perhaps discuss expectations about your communication. For example, you may decide that you will chat to each other every evening, and decide which media you will use.

Speaking on the phone daily and over Skype once or twice a week is an option.

Technology can help you feel closer by seeing each other and even synching your dinner.

Make this a special time to connect and avoid mixing it with other activities, such as chatting while having dinner with friends.

Consider it as time that you would have actually spent with each other had you been closer.

Try to stay as connected as possible, without allowing it to impact on your work.

Communication is one way of decreasing the distance.

The more you know about each others' day, the closer you will feel.

So share your schedules ... bearing in mind that these do change sometimes.

Even though communication is important, excessive communication may be detrimental.

You need not communicate throughout the day, but when you decide to, make it meaningful. Don't allow your communication to dwell on how much you miss each other.

Rather speak about your day and positive things that are happening.

Not all days will be great. You may sometimes get upset with each other, but choose your comm u n i c a t i o n medium carefully in such situations.

Instead of text, rather speak on the phone or video-call.

Surprisingly, couples who are apart tend to communicate better than couples who see each other frequently, because they appear to put more effort into their communication, making it more meaningful.

Decide on how often you will see each other and who will travel to the other.

You may want to consider taking turns so one doesn't feel that they're the only one making the effort.

Distance can be difficult because it will mean fewer date nights and you may not get to go to certain functions together.

Therefore, when you do get to see each other, plan your time so you get the maximum benefit.

Consider special events such as birthdays, anniversaries and family weddings in advance so you can make all the arrangements to be together.

You don't have to make a special effort on special occasions – think about little, meaningful ways to express your love.

Even though it may take adjustment, it is a true test of your relationship.

There will certainly be days when you wish you could be together, but if you can feel close despite the distance, it is a good indication of the strength of your relationship.

The distance will help you become independent enough to navigate through life's challenges, you may find that you have more time to invest in your individual pursuits and there is minimal risk of losing yourself in the relationship.

Give it a try and agree that if either of you feel it's not working out, you will speak about it. If you don't try, you will never know.

You may sometimes question your decision, something which is important.

What's most important is that you're both honest to yourselves and each other about how you're feeling in the relationship.

There really isn't a great distance between Durban and Johannesburg, considering some couples have successful intercontinental marriages.