Couples swing at their peril
Those seeking spice risk STDs, jealousy, disappointment and divorce
THRILL-seeking Durban couples are throwing caution to the wind, engaging in taboo practices to spice up their marriages.
That’s according to Sandton sexologist Elna McIntosh, who said boredom and curiosity were driving couples over the edge, even exchanging partners or ‘swinging’.
They’re turning to classified adverts and online sites such as ‘Swingers Durban’ and ‘Couples Seeking Couples’ to satisfy their fetishes and fantasies – much to the alarm of religious leaders.
Some of the posts on Swingers Durban include: “We are a Indian couple in our late 30s (stet). Seeking other like minded couples.” Another reads: “We are an Indian couple looking to spice our marriage up. I am 38 and wife is 45. We are not stunners but extremely sexy. I am average built and wife is hot with nice ****. This will be our first time and would love it to be most pleasurable…”
Asked McIntosh: “Why do people climb Mount Everest or run the Comrades Marathon? They want to see how far they can push the limit. Erotic, exotic and forbidden. It’s the three words I often say that swinging is perceived as.”
However, many of those people ended up being “terribly disappointed”, she said.
“Fat tummy, balding heads is most often the reality.”
McIntosh said there were many definitions of swinging. “In general it is couples who meet (other couples) to have sex with one another. But not all have sex. There could be an aspect of voyeurism.” She said the risks were high. “Firstly you are going to meet complete strangers and secondly there is a risk of HIV. While many people only worry about HIV, they forget about the 26 other sexually- transmitted diseases out there.”
Swingers did not have a specific profile, she said. “A swinger could be your neighbour or your colleague. They can also be professionals who have achieved highly and want to try something else.”
McIntosh said watching pornography could also fuel the need to swing.
“In pornography there are generally more than just two people, so people feel they want to be in that situation.”
McIntosh said many women were subservient and listened to their husbands.
Threaten
“Husbands threaten that if the wife is not willing, they will do it on their own. I am amazed that people still swing. But people should start safe – go to a strip club and if you are horrified you know it is not for you.”
She said she was currently counselling a number of couples who tried swinging. “One (person) is usually jealous, freaked out or has a sexually transmitted disease.”
Rakhi Beekrum, a counselling psychologist at the eThekwini Hospital & Heart Centre, said the very nature of swinging went against the essence of marriage.
“Marriages are meant to be based on trust, respect and loyalty.
“Even though swinging involves consensual adults, one spouse often feels pressurised or coerced into the lifestyle so as not to lose or disappoint the partner. Most claim to venture into this lifestyle to add excitement to their marriage, but the opposite may occur as jealousy and trust issues prevail. The risk of STDs is also present.”
Beekrum added: “When considering such a lifestyle, consider first why you got married and the values your marriage is based on. Couples should rather spend their energy strengthening their existing relationships.”
Pearl Ramotsamai, a marriage counsellor at the Family and Marriage Society of South Africa in Durban, said swinging might be a sign that there was not enough excitement in the relationship.
Values
“It depends entirely on the values of a person – of what you think is right or wrong.”
She said her organisation dealt mainly with issues of infidelity. “Infidelity is plaguing marriages. We try and teach people that before getting married they need to go for counselling,” she said.
“In 70% of cases where it’s the men who cheat, women will blame themselves. They feel they are not adequate – sexy of beautiful enough – but we try and explain that the problem usually lies with the person who cheated.”
Ramotsamai added: “The reason couples have problems is that they do not iron out their issues in pre-marital counselling. They need to address every topic and expectation. With regards to sex, people are not communicating needs, wants and expectations.
“After marriage the husband and wife expect something and automatically think it will happen because they are married,” she said. “For example, positions in the bedroom. People think the marriage certificate gives them the goahead to do anything with their partner.”