Standing up to women abuse
THE killing of women has become a “plague and a vicious cycle”, but NGOs whose primary task is to help abused victims say they don’t have enough government support.
“A strong partnership between government and NGOs is of paramount importance,” said Dr Anshu Padayachee, co-founder of the Advice Desk for the Abused.
She was asked to comment on the spate of domestic abuse cases over the past year, some fatal.
According to Statistics SA, one in five women over the age of 18 is killed by their partners. But in KZN, only 14% of women report cases of physical abuse.
Padayachee said NGOs played a huge role in supporting victims, but many have had to close their doors due to the shortage of funding.
“And that is why government needs to step in and help make sure the abused are given the help they deserve.”
She said the rate at which women were being abused had reached “pathological proportions”.
“Violence has to be dealt with more effectively and the starting point is to report cases immediately. Talk to people who are available. We are here to help.”
Padayachee, who is also the chief executive of the South Africa-Netherlands Research Programme for Alternatives in Development ( Sanpad), founded the Advice Desk with Judge Navi Pillay, former UN High Commissioner for Human Rights.
The desk is managed by a group of volunteers.
Nomabelu Mvambo-Dandala, executive director of the Diakonia Council of Churches, said the increasing and alarming rate of abuse of women and children was also of great concern to her organisation.
Diakonia works for social justice as well as gender justice.
“Besides getting local churches to reflect on issues of gender roles and gender-based violence, with transformative conversations and dialogues challenging the status quo, we also encourage men and women to be active in our Thursdays in Black Campaign,” she said.
The campaign urges everyone to commit to wearing black on Thursdays and a button, as a sign of working towards a world without rape and violence.
“The campaign resonates with many who will wear the button and black clothes every Thursday until there is no more rape and violence, because gender-based violence touches a raw nerve and cuts across divides of age, race, and class.”
Added Mvambo-Dandala: “While we appreciate the hype around Women’s Day on August 9 and August as Women’s Month, the sad reality is that this will come and go and it will be business as usual. Hence for us at Diakonia Council of Churches, the Thursdays in Black Campaign remains one of the most effective mechanisms for keeping the focus on gender-based violence alive throughout the year.”
Signs that you are in an abusive relationship include a feeling of fear towards your partner, constant humiliation, being threatened or subjected to violent behaviour, and excessive jealousy or possessiveness.
But for a 28-year-old Newlands West woman, one can never be certain.
“For me, there were no early warning signs other than he was too good to be true – the perfect man in every way. So I had no forewarning,” she told POST.
“The abuse started after marriage. Suddenly one day when he couldn’t pay the rent, he brought a knife to my face. This was the first time. I overlooked it, thinking he just panicked. Then the violent behaviour became more prominent, more regular. Sometimes I’d be flung against a cupboard, other days I’d be strangled.
“On a good day, he’d insult me in the highest form and leave for hours. He would come back later, apologise and hit himself to prove repentance. Sometimes he would be driving and would lose his cool and speed up to 200km/h, threatening to have me thrown out or drive into another car so we’d both die.”
After 15 months together, she said she had finally had enough.
“I decided to stand up to him and I realised that in me standing up for myself, I created a monster like none I’d ever seen before. We physically fought for 45 minutes and when he left me lying beaten on the floor, I decided I wanted to live.”
She said she made the decision to leave her husband that day and never looked back.
“My advice to women who have no kids and remain in an abusive relationship is, love yourself enough to leave. Sometimes the hardest decisions to make are the most necessary.
“No man should abuse a woman, regardless of the reason. And if you would not accept your mother or sister from being treated in the same way you are, then don’t accept it for yourself.
“Your strength will come when you take that first and most difficult step, but be careful.
“My advice to women with kids in abusive relationships is if you are staying in the relationship for the kids, don’t. Rather bring up your kids in a poor home as a single mom that’s who is happy than a home of violence.
“To the mothers who are afraid that you can’t do it on your own, you can. Your kids’ sanity will always trump your kids’ comfort.”