Don’t judge others’ pain until you understand

EARS filled his eyes when he saw me enter the hospital room. His body was riddled with shaking tremors – a result of the deep depression that had overtaken his body.

“I hoped you would come. If anyone can help me, you can.”

I looked at him and smiled and then hugged him.

“Everything is going to be okay,” I said.

He looked at me downcast and then deep into my eyes and with absolute emotion said: “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand. Now I know. Please help me.” Why sorry? Well, years ago I went through the deepest throes of depression. I had lost interest in everything and could not see the point of living. Life had lost all meaning to me.

As an elder, he came to “advise” me. He stood there in his self-righteous glory and told me to “snap out of it”. I must stop being a “mental case” and a “psycho”. Depression is for “weak” people.

I need to take control of my life, thoughts, actions and stop feeling “sorry” for myself and stop my belief that the world “owes” me something.

His words tugged at every string in my heart and I felt I was a burden to everyone and I remember the day I tried to kill myself because the pain I felt inside was so great, so all-encompassing.

I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t snap out of it. I needed it to stop, but it didn’t.

Maybe I was weak but at that moment, I wanted it to end more than I thought about anything else.

I mean it was a real pain. There was a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go down and it hurt.

There was a tightening in my chest that made it hard to breathe. My stomach churned and tied itself in knots, which caused crippling cramping and nausea that made it hard to stand. I felt hot. I felt scared. Perspiration dripped from parts of me I didn’t realise I had.

I had lost everything I loved – everything. Life no longer had a meaning or a purpose. How could it?

Only bad things were meant for me and if that’s the case then why waste my time even trying to go on. I was causing everyone around me so much pain.

Everything I felt then I saw in him now. Did I feel vindicated seeing him that way? No.

Could I ask him to snap out of it? No! Could I call him a mental case and psycho, a weak person who needs to stop feeling sorry for himself or that he needs to take control? No!.

He had just lost his entire family. He faced life ahead alone.

So I related an experience to him instead.

This is something that happened to me and made me understand things in its entirety about how we as a society look at life without first immersing ourselves in it because we put ourselves in categories.

A few weeks ago I had people come over to my house at different times. I live in an average house. My children have their own rooms and bathrooms. We have some things that most may not have but nothing extravagant.

The first set of people came from great hardship and a difficult background. Every day is a struggle for them to survive. They were overwhelmed with the “luxuries” they were able to enjoy.

The woman said: “You are so lucky. What a big house you have but it must be so hard to manage.”

The second woman, who came later, lives in a multimillion rand mansion.

She walked in and looked around and said: “Oh gosh, your house is so tiny. You are so lucky because it must be so easy to manage.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. Was I lucky for having so much or lucky for having so little and was it was hard to manage or easy to manage.

See, it’s all based on perspective.

When we don’t know hardship and pain we don’t appreciate its purpose. The first family experienced great trials in their lives, so saw the beauty and challenges in everything.

The second woman has had an easy life and everything that didn’t match her life was seen as a problem.

And that’s where this man was. He lived the life of a “king”. His life, until this point, has always been filled with all that is considered great and so when I suffered from depression he viewed it as a tiny problem easy to manage because his life was perfect.

Now that he has had his life come undone, he suddenly saw the once tiny thing that is depression as the biggest challenge in life.

The basis of his reality changed. So, when you meet someone going through a hard time and you want to be quick to tell them you know how they feel, ask yourself if you really do.

Did you live those experiences? Are you using your mansion mentality or your struggle mentality?

The earlier would make you perceive everything as a fickle problem easily solved, while the latter will make you relate and understand the core of the pain.

Having a little by some standards doesn’t mean it’s easier to deal with.

In fact, that’s when it is the hardest because you have to acquire the means before you even acquire the solution.

Change can come in many forms in our lives. It might come forcefully like a tidal wave, or creep along incrementally like a glacier.

It might come in the form of devastating tragedy, difficult choices, broken relationships, or even new opportunities but not one of us, despite our backgrounds, is immune to it.

You can’t just snap out of anything. Everything is a process but with that pain comes your greatest purpose.

In all of it remember that empathy begins with understanding life from another person’s perspective.

Nobody has an objective experience of reality until they share an experience and pain and that’s what gives us purpose.

So are you lucky for having too much or too little?

That’s not even an issue. You are lucky because you have life and in every moment of it you have the ability to look forward to a myriad of wonderful possibilities.

YOU CHOOSE LIFE!

Tash Reddy is an entrepreneur, radio and film producer, motivational writer and speaker and founder of

Widowed South Africa