How to deal with grieving
LOSING a loved one is one of the most stressful life experiences. Losing a loved one through a violent crime can be an extremely traumatic experience for family members.
Even though everyone experiences grief differently, the nature of a loss through violent crime is further complicated by legal proceedings (which are often prolonged) and media attention.
Families of victims often react with shock, numbness or dissociation (feeling like it’s a dream).
In the midst of coming to terms with the violent loss/es, they are often still required to comply with police investigations, autopsy reports, planning funerals, etc.
Because we are all unique, everyone in a family can react to the same loss in a different way.
Grief is a process and manifests differently, in different people. Some common reactions are shock, anger, denial, guilt, irritability, tearfulness, depression, post-traumatic stress, concentration difficulties, insomnia, decreased appetite, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, desire for revenge, etc.
Denial is a common reaction in instances where family members have not been able to see the body of their loved one. Accepting the loss and gaining closure is a little easier when this is possible.
Anger is very common – anger towards perpetrators of the crime and, often, anger towards the legal system if the process is perceived to be slow, inefficient or unjust.
Survivor guilt is sometimes noticed in family members, who feel guilty about having survived the crime or not having prevented it. Guilt is sometimes present in instances when a family member had an unresolved issue with the deceased.
Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder are often present in family members, even long after the loss. Some of the symptoms they experience are flashbacks of the crime, avoidance of the murder scene and hyper-arousal.
It is not healthy to block out the losses.
Talking about your feelings is healthy. It helps externalise negative feelings. It is important to channel anger in socially acceptable ways. If this is not done, one is likely to become irritable and snap at others. Healthy methods of expressing anger include sport, talk therapy, writing, meditation and breathing exercises.
Know that it is okay to cry. Crying is a healthy way of expressing emotion. Be patient with yourself, as healing takes time.
Do not compare your grief with others, as everyone is different and relationships were different. Know that it is okay to ask for help.
It is essential for family members of victims to receive professional help following losses to violent crime.
Friends and relatives may, with the best intentions, say things that are not helpful: “time heals”, “it’s God’s will”, “it’s going to be okay”, “be strong” and “focus on your children/other children”, etc.
While such comments are made with good intentions, they do not help the person who is grieving. It is better to say that you don’t know what to say to make them feel better, but you are there for them through this process. Or, ask what you could do to make things a little easier.
If you are supporting a family member going through a violent loss, be supportive by listening, helping them find resources for further help and helping with practical chores to make their daily lives easier.
Grief is not linear. There will be good days and bad days.
The legal process will further complicate this. As one may be starting to heal, there may be new findings or a court case, perpetrators may be released on bail or sentences may not be as hoped.
Other than trauma counselling or individual therapy, support groups can play a beneficial role as a person realises that there are others who understand their suffering.
Closure can take a long time in such cases. The goal is to adjust to a life without the deceased. It is important to be patient and kind to oneself during this process.
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