How to cope with grief on your own
The South African government and some members of the scientific and medical communities believe the country’s Covid-19 death rate will surpass most other countries. This is due to the majority of our population having a weakened immunity from existing con
DURING the current pandemic, many of us will experience grief of some sort – loss of normalcy, loss of income, loss of freedom.
Perhaps the most significant loss we fear is the loss of life – either our own or our loved ones.
Death is painful. But the restrictions that accompany death from Covid-19 and the associated rituals complicate grief even more.
Losing a loved one through Covid-19 will impact on almost every aspect of the grief process. Psychologists have long understood the role of rituals in the healing process.
Funeral rituals, difficult as they may be, play a significant role in the bereavement process. From prayers when one is ill to bathing the body, the proximity one is allowed to the casket, the number of people that can attend funerals and other ceremonies and our overall support – these will all be impacted by the pandemic.
Anticipatory grief
Although death is never pleasant to talk about, anticipatory grief is mounting during this time of anxiety.
Reading the news and knowledge of Covid19 deaths worldwide inevitably raises thoughts of how it will affect our families and us.
The practical and emotional support that is readily available from family and friends will no longer be available. This is one of the harshest realities we will have to face.
When there is a death in the family, family and friends take over the arrangements so as to unburden the bereaved. Physical comfort, in the form of hugs or holding hands, is impacted.
No traditional rituals, goodbyes, hugs Due to the infectious nature of the disease, many rituals that are taken for granted will not be allowed – for example, bathing the body, being close to the casket, etc.
Funerals will be strictly limited, which means many won’t have the opportunity to say goodbye to the departed and that the bereaved won’t have the support they need.
The days following the funeral will be as stressful with extended family and friends not allowed to one’s home.
This means that the bereaved could be isolated or with others who are grieving equally, with no outside support. What do we do?
OPTIONS TO CONSIDER
For the bereaved
While very limited family and friends will be allowed at a funeral, consider options to live-stream or record a funeral so others can also have a chance to be present, even though virtually.
Delaying a funeral delays the healing process. Many families have been opting for small funerals with a plan to hold a bigger memorial when the situation normalises. Give those who were not present an opportunity to record video or audio messages of support – either in memory of the departed or words of comfort to the bereaved.
Those who do attend funerals will still have to practice social distancing. Use other meaningful gestures to substitute a hug – for example, placing your hand on your heart or joining your palms.
During the grieving process, be patient with yourself. Acknowledge your feelings. These feelings will vary from denial to anger (at oneself, doctors, etc.) to bargaining with God, to depression, guilt (perhaps for not protecting the person or for not spending their last moments with them) to finally, acceptance.
Try to maintain a daily routine to give your days some normality.
Take breaks from the news and social media.
Feel your feelings, allow yourself to grieve, to feel sad, heartbroken or depressed. Notice any irrational thoughts that are unhelpful (for example, feeling guilty over a situation you could not control).
Reach out to close friends and family using video calls.
Reach out to psychologists who are offering online sessions.
Ultimately, the support systems naturally fade away as time goes on. When we go to bed at night, we are all alone in our grief. The difference here is that the feeling of grieving alone is sped up. So the only solace we have is to make meaning of the loss. This is possible by turning to your faith and your beliefs. Spirituality brings us comfort and helps us make meaning during our suffering.
Spirituality does not even require social media or technology. Pray in a way that is meaningful to you – whether it’s talking to God, reading scriptures, reciting psalms and other holy verses, repeating God’s name, meditation, lighting a candle or other rituals that are meaningful.
The most important thing we can and must do, however, is live in the present. It is to be mindful and grounded in the present moment. Fear of the future prevents us from enjoying our current blessings.
How to support the bereaved family or friends
If you have family or friends who’ve lost a loved one, try to order groceries, etc online that can be delivered to them.
The most important reality I have learnt as a psychologist who deals with grief is that regardless of the social and emotional support one has, only the bereaved know their grief. Others can be there for them, but not feel or grieve for them.
What we do now will determine the situation we are in tomorrow. Social distancing saves lives.
Beekrum is a psychologist, marital therapist and mental health blogger. You can follow her on Facebook at Rakhi Beekrum - Psychologist) and Instagram @rakhibeekrum. Visit www. rakhibeekrum.co.za