An excerpt from ‘Orphaned by Suicide’

FAMILIES and friends were called to spread the news of the late Sewdass family of Chatsworth.

Radio stations were to announce the message on air for those we could not reach. I was told to relax and see if I could sleep, but my mind wouldn’t allow me to do that!

Why was I crying?

I mean there was a possibility of my family still being alive! The insanity was surreal. I had to keep myself sane.

My thoughts told me it was a lie. They are still alive. It’s only a lie. They are waiting for you to come home. You know your father wouldn’t do such a thing and leave you behind. I made up things in my brain. Everyone around me dealt with this news differently and I couldn’t be bothered about anyone but myself and getting home.

We left my eldest aunt’s residence to find my second aunt.

We could not get hold of her and we all wanted to leave together. We made a stop at my ma’s house (maternal granny).

Ma was sick and asleep with her phone off the hook and no one could get a hold of her.

The news of my late family sent ma into a state of shock. My ma and nana (maternal grandfather) packed and locked up. We had to find my second aunt.

This aunt had taken care of me after my mum gave birth to me. She is my second mum.

We eventually got hold of her and we left for the journey we will all never forget.

My cousins unfortunately didn’t come along.

They stayed over with their paternal grandparents.

They were young and all of this wasn’t something they should be exposed to, let alone try to make sense of the situation and the loss of their aunt, uncle and cousins who they were so fond off.

The questions continued to flood my head.

How much courage did it take to do all of this?

What was dad going through for him to do this?

Did dad think of me?

How do you bring yourself to this point? Why?

Did dad reach out for help? Why? I mean were we not a happy family? It just kept playing on my mind over and over that this was all a joke. I prayed that it was all just a lie. I was scared.

If this was true, who would look after me? Would they love me, or hurt me? Where would I stay?

I was so scared. I just wanted to be in my mum’s arms. I needed to be comforted by my mum.

Soon the travelling was over and it was time to face my nightmare. My stomach was turning. I felt sick. I didn’t know what to expect. I still remember, I laughed on the inside, telling myself that my family was pulling my leg.

We reached my house at about 3am, on Blue Jill Crescent, Chatsworth. Silence crept deep into the early parts of the morning.

I could only hear sniffs and see tears rolling down known and unknown faces. I was greeted with sorrow by family members.