Confront the myths and pave the way for a frank discussion on pleasure
WE’VE been talking about sexual shame and how debilitating it can be. Not a day goes by that I am not confronted by it on a personal and professional level. This week was no exception.
The conversation starts with: I am (fill in the blank) and you know we grew up in a conservative home…
It doesn’t matter if you are Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Muslim or a sun worshipper, the chances are you grew up conservative.
No religion has a monopoly on this and in my opinion every religion has something to answer for.
Shame is so deeply ingrained in our psyche we feel it at the mere thought of sex. We know religion is not solely to blame. We know it is the million little cuts from the myths and lies you were told by those who thought they knew more than you did.
Perhaps you never had access to the correct information or sexual vocabulary. Perhaps you come from a sex-negative belief structure, have sexual fear or simply have low self-esteem. Perhaps you have a combination or all of them.
Each one will affect your life in a variety of ways. The good news is you can overcome it. All you have to do is want to.
One of the discussions we almost never have is about sex being pleasurable and that enjoying sex is not a bad thing. It is very much a part of our upbringing that pleasure equates to lust and lust is a sin.
If you have the good things in life, loads of money, and a fancy car you are somehow a bad person. Admitting to pleasure is somehow inappropriate. Little wonder then that so few of us will own up to enjoying pleasure.
And then there is sexual re- jection. Any rejection is awful to experience. My help was rejected recently and I was incredibly hurt by the stranger who rejected it. How much worse is it when it is from someone you love and want to please?
Sexual rejection is not just about someone turning you down. It’s also about the fear of what your partner will think about you if you admit your sexual nature. Will they think you are kinky, deviant, inexperienced or sexually inadequate? The more you think about it the worse it gets.
Are you comparing yourself with a porn star performance? Real sex, as opposed to reel sex! Let me remind you that reel sex is a performance – porn or romantic-comedy style. I love the fact that all women orgasm, multiple times, in movies, when the truth is very different.
How do we move on from sexual shame, find our sexual confidence and start getting the sex we deserve?
Start with what you know to be true and talk about that. Something like: I find it really hard to talk about sex and don’t feel comfortable when I’m naked – or I find it difficult to talk about what I want because I’m scared you will laugh at me.
As with most things in life, timing is everything. A conversation when the soccer is on, while you are on the short strokes, or when you are helping the children with their homework is a bad idea.
Try to have the discussion when you are both relaxed, having dinner, sitting on the patio watching the sun go down, or on holiday.
Which brings me to privacy. It’s hard to explore and talk about your sexuality, sexual needs and sexual relationship when the house is crowded and there is no privacy to speak of.
You need to find a way. Go for a walk or drive without the children. I love chatting in the car because there is nowhere to go and you don’t even have to look at each other.
E-mail me at: sharon@lolamontez.co.za