I love Helen Zille, but I love her son better
sameer.naik@inl.co.za
IN THIS week’s A-typical interview we feature South African comedian and screenwriter Lesego Tlhabi, best known for her satirical character Coconut Kelz, a young white woman trapped in a black woman’s body. Tlhabi is now making waves on the small screen with shorts on BET Africa aptly titled Coconut Kelz: The Election Special.
What sparked your interest on social media this week?
Helen Zille finally saying what we’ve all been thinking. #Blackprivilege is real and it’s a plague and we are finally not afraid to talk about it . All Black people steal and that is what privilege is and I’m glad Helen no longer feels like she has to hold bold and revolutionary thoughts like that anymore since the election has ended. Is it racism? (Yes it definitely is). No, of course not.
You’re stuck in a lift with Helen Zille. What conversation would you strike up with her?
I would use the first four hours and 30 minutes for selfies, videos with cute filters and to video call all my jealous friends. Then the last 30 minutes would be dedicated to letting her know how much I love her and how
I think people are crazy if they call someone who says racist things, a racist. She swam to Robben Island to free
Mandela and people forget she’s the main struggle icon.
You are given the chance to step into a boxing ring with any South African politician. Who do you choose?
I would choose Mmusi Maimane. Because he’s been acting like a super sgebenga and threatening the leader with action. Hellloowa! Plus I think I can beat him coz I use my mom’s Tae Bo videos from the 90s.
Who is your ultimate celebrity crush?
Helen Zille’s son, Paul. And I hate to admit this, but I see what the blacks see in Duduzane. Plus they both have corrupt-adjacent interests which means they are bad boys. Yum!
Have you ever sent a text message to the wrong person?
I once sent a text to my sisi about how lazy my sisi is and how I think she is stealing my koi fish for muti. Long story short, she burnt all my clothes with the iron and I pretended to call the cops to take her back to Zim. We spoke about it and we are fine now. We both know we have a lot to lose if this relationship sours. She knows too much.
What is your favourite dance move when you are at the club?
It used to be fist bumping but usually it’s mocking whatever the black girls are doing. Like twerking but not in a scary ghetto way.
Which TV character reminds you of yourself and why?
She’s not a character per se, but I really connected with Paris Hilton in the Simple Life because poor people make me sad and nervous. Currently, Anne Coulter and Helen are my spirit animals. They’re basically the same person so it’s awesome.
What are the three best things you would put in your dating bio?
I know how to charm Caucasian parents into not seeing me as a threat. I have only one black friend. I love hiking and swimming isn’t an issue because I can and my long, blonde hair is water-friendly. Also I’m kosher but I do eat “pork” (*wink wink*).