Letter to Zuma, from a fan and an ex-spy

DEAR Mr Former President

You were in fine fettle at the Zondo Commission. Your submission reads like a bestseller. The last time I read about so many spies and plots in one place was in a Robert Ludlum collection. It is a surprise you are standing.

A testament to your resilience – or their ineptitude. You should perhaps have given us the whole list, instead of dropping names. Then again, you did name half the country. I trust that my name would be near the top, my brief contract spells with the CIA and KGB notwithstanding.

I am surprised Messrs Gordhan and Ramaphosa did not make your list. They have the ruggedly handsome looks of your classic movie spy or spymaster. You mentioned three intelligence organisations that were part of the plot. I had no idea we had so many. Judging by the past nine years or so, it’s hard to believe that there was enough intelligence to go around.

You supposedly also had to contend with manoeuvres from your justice minister, the public prosecutor, the public protector and who knows what other public persons. Good Lord. Apart from the Guptas, did you have anyone on your side? It must have been a relief to have those normal conversations with the Saxonwold friends.

You did say you were trying to save the ANC and the country. A cynical friend said that that’s an oxymoron (no, sir, not that kind of moron), like trying to save by spending lavishly. Perhaps there was some method to the madness (or vice versa?).

What made my blood run cold, was the devices found on your plane. What cold-hearted, treacherous monsters would do such a thing? That jet must have cost a fortune in taxpayers’ money.

This is the stuff of a good thriller. Denzel Washington made a movie in Cape Town and might be persuaded to give Joburg a shot. In dim lighting, there’s a passing resemblance and make-up would do the rest. Please consider. Yours in the struggle against slippery spies. RICHARD J MANN