He cheats with porn’
GUILTY PLEASURE COULD RUIN LOVE
SHE feels betrayed whenever he watches other people have sex.
“I feel like he is having a threesome without me,” she tells clinical sexologist Dawn Michael. Her partner disagrees. “It ’ s not as if I know these people in real life,” he tells her. “Look, I have been watching pornography since I was 12 years old.”
Is he cheating on her when he ’ s watching porn?
A study published early this year by Professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse of the Université de Montréal in Canada found that all men had watched porn.
The research revealed that the average age for exposure to pornography was 10 years.
But does watching porn constitute cheating?
Pinkie Moatshe, a croupier from Kempton Park, says watching sex videos is tantamount to cheating.
“I think that my man getting a kick out of watching a naked woman is cheating,” she says.
“How do I know that he doesn ’ t bring her into our bedroom? How do I know that he doesn ’ t make love to her in his mind while making love to me?”
Dr Phillip McGraw, of the popular television series Dr Phil, agrees and gives reasons why porn puts a strain on relationships.
He says watching porn is not “okay behaviour ”. “It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.”
He adds that if it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it ’ s gone too far.
Pornography isn ’ t real, it ’ s a fantasy. It ’ s make-up, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone.
Viewing internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.
Phenyo Modisakeng, 23, an IT student from Pretoria, says the notion of porn being cheating is ludicrous.
“How on earth is watching someone that I can ’ t touch and never will, cheating on you?
“It ’ s entertainment. Is looking at Rihanna ’ s steamy dance moves on TV cheating? ”
Michael, on the other hand, says it depends. “I have been asked on many occasions by individuals if watching pornography while being in a relationship is considered cheating. “My answer is based on how we define the word ‘ cheating ’.
“The definition that I feel is appropriate is ‘ to cheat your spouse out of having a sexual relationship with you ’.”
Michael says if a man watches pornography and still has a wonderful sex life with his wife and she is aware of him watching pornography, then he is not cheating.
How do I know that he doesn’t bring her into our bedroom?
If the couple enjoys watching pornography together – then that would not be “cheating ”, she says.
The moment one partner cheats the other out of the sexual intimacy in the relationship, then you have a problem, says Michael.
“A classic example would be a wife that longs to be sexual with her husband, but instead he has turned to watching pornography instead of being with her.
“Anything that takes away from the sexual intimacy in a marriage cheats the other person out of that intimacy, ” she says.
Lajeunesse, in his research says though the study found that all men have watched porn, it was harmless.
“Research found that pornography did not have a negative effect on men ’ s sexuality, and doesn ’ t change their perception of women or their relationship, which they all want to be as harmonious and fulfilling as possible,” he says.
A study conducted by the International Academy of Sex Research and published in 2011 found that couples who watched porn were the happiest in the bedroom. The study says these couples were the most open about their fantasies and desires, and reported less sexual dysfunction compared with other groups.
Tammy Nelson, a sex and relationship expert and the author of Getting the Sex You Want, says couples can prevent porn from becoming a problem within a relationship by communicating their sexual desires.
“Talk to your partner about what they find sexy about pornography and see if it makes sense to you.”