FRED KHUMALO ON ZULU PSYCHE
DON’T HOLD BREATH FOR THAT APOLOGY
JUDGING by some responses to my column of last week, some readers decided to read that contribution as a veiled attack on kwaito singer Mshoza. I’m not in the habit of apologising for an infraction I have not committed, and I am not about to begin.
For, let it be said here and now, I am from the kingdom by the sea. Over there, we choose our words carefully. Once chosen, we shall not withdraw those words.
This, therefore, leaves me no choice but to revisit a theme I have touched upon in the past. Here, my friends, is a short A to Z idiot’s guide to the Zulu psyche.
A is for Asikhokhi – we are not paying! Everyone is talking about #FeesMustFall. How coy and apologetic. Are the fees going to fall by themselves? No, in my language we are direct: – asikhokhi.
B is for Bhaxabula – to beat a person vehemently, a favourite Zulu pastime. The synonyms are ukubhibiza, or ukudukluza, or ukubhonya. We might just bhaxabula those who want us to pay. C is for (uku)Cula – singing. It’s a national pastime since the man from Nkandla came to power. He sings his troubles away.
D is for (isi)Dudula – a firm woman with a nice, well-formed behind and good mounds around the chest area – a true African woman.
E is for Ehhe – “yes”. We like saying “ehhe”, especially when the full sentence is: “Ehhe, nokungebani nje kuloku kububula ngeNkandla, Nkandla … (yes, everyone is murmuring about Nkandla, Nkandla).
F is for Fihliza – to demolish. Just what the EFF has promised to do to the ANC in the upcoming elections. We shall see.
G is for (uku)Gida – traditional dancing, which has been the key preoccupation of the president since he came to power. Give that man a new pair of dancing shoes.
H is for (e)Hostela – that’s where you’ll find many of my kinsmen – the hostels.
H is also for (i)Hlongandlebe – we Zulus loathe these types. Stubborn, as if they were dropped on their heads when they were young. A typical ihlongandlebe is Julius Malema.
I is for Inyoka – snake. Some in the ANC apply this to Malema. We all know what to do to a snake –
fihliza it. Which is what the ANC says it will do to the EFF in the upcoming elections.
J is for (i)Jele – jail. My people are afraid of jail, but our predilection for ukubhaxabula (see above) always lands us in ejele.
K is for Khuzeka – “please desist”. That’s the plea we always make before we bhaxabula a person.
L is for (i)Landi – one rand. We call it ilandi because there’s no “R” in our language.
M is for (u)Mantshingelane – security guard. He is called
mantshingelane, from a slight misunderstanding of the English language phrase “march in line”, an instruction that was uttered to the first cohort of security guards recruited among my people. We make good mantshingelanes. Somebody tells me Mmusi Maimane is also a mantshingelane at that white building called the DA. Maybe it’s a rumour from those who are “eating jealous” for poor old Maimane. March in line, Maimane!
N is for (uku)Nqoba – to be victorious. We love being victorious, no matter what the contest.
O is Ofezela – The Scorpions. Zuma evaded their sting … just! Then he decided to close them up. Hehehehe!
P is for (i)Phixiphixi – a hypocrite. The best example of
amaphixiphixi would be the leaders of Cope. Remember Cope? They were the guys who broke away from the ANC saying they were defending the constitution when, in fact, they served in a regime that undermined the very constitution by using state resources to settle political scores.
R is for … no. As I said earlier, we have no R in Zulu. Light said Fled.
S is for (uku)Shaya – to beat up. Ukushaya is a milder form of visiting violence upon an adversary. Why is my language so replete with synonyms for violent behaviour? Hhayi!
T is for (ama)Tekisi – taxis. We have a monopoly in this business – as drivers, queue marshals, izinkabi (enforcers) and, of course, as owners.
U is for Ukudla – food. We love our stomachs.
V is for (uku)Vova Inkani – to frustrate a person. We derive pleasure from frustrating people. Just what the man from Nkandla did to Thuli Madonsela.
W is for (uku)Wina – we love winning, whether it’s a debate, a stick fight, a race between taxis, or the Lotto.
X is for (uku)Xoxa – to converse. We like conversing, as our good president has ably demonstrated. Every time he is asked about the Nkandla millions, he tells a story.
Y is for Yehheni! – an exclamation of surprise, as in “Yehheni-bo!
Nansi ingulube inginonela (Golly gosh, this pig is getting too fat for me!) In other words, “this person is being quarrelsome with me and I have no option but to bhibiza him”.
Z is for (uku)Zuma – a verb that means “to ambush”, or “to surprise”. Need I say more?
Now that you’ve been enlightened about Zulu ways, why not hug that Zulu who’s been standing on your stoep begging for your attention?
We ain’t that bad, are we?