The cowardly act of ghosting in relationships
Avoiding tough talk hurts feelings more and prevents closure
Okay, so you’re in a relationship – or so you think. Suddenly, without any warning, your partner disappears and cuts all communication lines between you two. You know he’s alive, hasn’t unexpectedly relocated this planet, or been kidnapped by Boko Haram.
But still no calls, no text messages, you’re blocked on social media, and no responses to any of your attempts to reach out. They have simply ended the relationship without bothering to explain or even affording you the respect, decency or courtesy of a conversation. Well, you’ve been ghosted.
Now, why would what you thought was a reasonable person choose to simply disappear from your life rather than plan, at the very least, a conversation to end the relationship?
For the ghoster, simply walking away from a relationship, or even a potential relationship, is a quick and easy way out. No drama, no hysterics, no questions asked, no need for accountability or justification of their behaviour, and no need to deal with someone else’s feelings.
For the ghostee, there is no closure. And you are often left with deep feelings of uncertainty and insecurity.
Initially, you wonder, “what’s going on?” And when you realise the other person has ended the relationship, you’re left wondering why, what went wrong in the relationship, what’s wrong with you... how you didn’t see this coming.
It confuses you because they had given you the idea that you will be around for a while.
And while you, the ghoster may have moved on with your life, the person you’ve ghosted is left unable to connect with someone new as their days are spent trying to figure out what was wrong with them that you had to leave without a note. They are constantly checking the conversations between the two of you for clues of what they did or said, or didn’t do or say.
The silent treatment – without explanation – is a form of emotional cruelty because it’s left them powerless to the situation because they are unable to find out any answers. It will always leave them hanging.
Why do people do it? Generally because they are human, and 21st century relationships – especially among the millennials – are characterised by impatience and inability to extend themselves for the betterment of the relationship. We are a selfish, me-first generation that seeks to microwave love, are in constant pursuit of happiness from outside sources, and are implicitly expecting perfection from everyone else but us.
Truth is we have a generation that cares less about the discipline of time and sacrifice, yet embraces a fantasy of a “forever after”.
They want trust without the patience of building; faithfulness, without the investment of integrity; and love without the discipline of commitment.
They want the benefit of intimacy with another person; cuddles and date nights, and someone to “cure” them from their loneliness but are lazy, nervous and frankly, too selfish, to be man or woman enough to reciprocate. And when the butterflies are gone, the stories are stale, and they discover stuff that they don’t like about the other person, they’re onto the next one.
Shamefully, social media – with all its dating apps – has made ghosting justifiable. It is making people believe they can swipe right when they want and ghost out when they want, with no explanation given. No second chance or “I like you, but”. Just coldly – sometimes skilfully slowly – stop showing interest until the person gets the message.
While the ghoster may benefit from avoiding an uncomfortable situation and any potential drama, they’ve done nothing to improve their own conversation and relationships skills for the future.
Actually, ghosting says more about the ghoster than the ghostee. Ghosting is both cowardly and immature. It makes you unreliable and shows your lack of respect for another person’s feelings.
It’s easier than breaking up but it also shows you have no character when you choose easy over integrity.
Even with “good” reason to do it, you still come out looking worse than the ghostee. And by the way, you hurt their feelings more by ghosting them than if you chose to confront the issue with them. So, the fact that you don’t want to “hurt” their feelings by facing them, you hurt their feelings more by ghosting them.
Stop that. Be decent enough to afford your ghostee some respect by actually freeing them on why you ghosted them. Give them a chance to get closure, so they can also move on. Instead of your cowardice and opting for the easy way out, have the respectful but tough conversation, and leave it to them how they handle it.