When the nest empties, find cause to rediscover each other
With kids to raise, many couples lose focus on their marriage
If you’re still living with your children, then your life is probably busy, stressful and hectic. Between work, housework, homework and all the other activities everyone in the family is involved with, it’s a wonder we make it through the week. And this can go on for years. But one day it will all stop.
The kids will be gone, the house will be quiet and you’ll find yourself not knowing what to do.
And though some may welcome the opportunity to do absolutely nothing for a change, but the grass is not always greener on the other side. For one, doing nothing can get boring very quickly.
When the children grow up and leave , parents realise that their relationship depends largely on how each spouse gets along with the other.
For some parents, the frictions that were under the surface when the children were in the home become too hot to handle and can lead to empty nest syndrome and divorce.
In many cases, the parents soon realise that their marriage isn’t stable.
But it goes far beyond that. In the most recent marriage and divorce statistics in SA , it appears that more and more older couples divorce later in their marriages. It seems to us that many of them have the notion that they’ll hang around each other until the last child goes off to the university. But on the way back from dropping their youngest child on campus, they stop at the lawyer’s office to start divorce proceedings.
We believe that the empty nest syndrome is actually the worst time to consider a divorce – even if things are bad in your marriage.
You should have far more energy to rebuild a lonely marriage, and generally have less stress on the marriage. You should have more freedom to rediscover sexual intimacy, more time and money to start doing more recreational stuff together. Divorce during the empty nest season of a couple’s life is often a consequence of an unstable foundation in the marriage. The couple realises that they have nothing left in common as the children are all gone. Many don’t even realise how far apart they’ve drifted until they’re on their own.
However, the empty nest years should be seen as a season of tremendous hope, not doom. If your marriage is gasping for air, this is exactly the season it will be easiest to resuscitate it.
Marriages may lead to empty nest syndrome and divorce for several reasons:
Marriage was neglected
Many parents get so focused on their children’s lives that they forget their own. It can be hard to get to know your partner afteryears of marital neglect.
Different perspectives on the empty nest
One parent may see the empty nest time as a chance to start new hobbies, to enjoy travel, and other things they may have put off. The other parent may just feel lonely.
Concern about children
Too much anxiety and worry can prevent a parent from focusing on their spouse.
A warning to younger couples, don’t allow your marriage to have a lifetime of shared tasks, but no intimacy and shared purpose that’s bigger than just raising children. A good marriage is something you build, not something you find.
If you’re about to become an empty nester couple, your marriage may be in a state of flux for a few months, but it won’t be much longer than that before it settles down into the “new normal”.
One of the couples we look up to, who are now empty nesters tell us, “We decided to do more together than ever before. Our friends of many years have also become empty nesters, meaning we spend more time together with them. And since it’s just us in the house, we can ‘go for it’ whenever we want to be physically intimate.”
For your own happiness use the empty nest years to rediscover each other, recreate shared meaning, build a deeper legacy, and a more intimate marriage.
Instead of killing an estranged marriage, choose to rebuild it, reshape it, and rediscover it. Wouldn’t you rather leave an even more inspiring legacy than sending your adult children reeling with the news that their childhood home no longer exists?