No, that’s not a gun in my pocket

MORE than 20 years ago movies like Back to the Future predicted we would all be whipping around in flying cars by now, or teleporting from the lounge to the kitchen wearing clothes that make us invisible. We might be running a bit behind in that regard, but as far as other futuristic inventions go, we’re right on schedule.

There are more crazy whatchamacallits, doodads and dingbats coming out every year than we know what to do with. Forget the Joneses, we’re far too busy keeping up with the Gateses.

At the end of last year, an Italian company brought out a pair of jeans that will update your Facebook status for you. They have a vinyl pocket with a built-in Bluetooth device which talks to your smartphone, allowing your pants to share updates with all your peeps. Because if you’re the kind of person who needs their crotch to update their status for them, you probably have peeps.

All you have to do is remember to put your pants on in the morning and your jeans will let all your friends, followers and stalkers know your location and your mood, using an advanced happiness-level monitor. At the moment your pants can only select one of eight moods to broadcast to the world, but give them a couple of months and I’m sure they’ll up it to 12. And in less than a year it will be 20, and within two years your jeans will be driving your car and chewing your food for you, too.

Is technology getting out of control? Perhaps. There’s a company out there that will take your ashes and load them into fireworks, so your friends and family can “let you off” into the sky. They’ll do it with your pet’s ashes too. Which seems cruel if you know how much dogs hate fireworks. The company’s theory is that you came into this world with a bang, there’s no reason you shouldn’t go out with one, too.

Japanese scientists recently invented a robotic hand that uses a silicone brain to beat you at rock, paper, scissors. It’s pretty impressive; I’m not sure how we’ve managed to function on this planet for the last 2 000 years without it.

In an attempt to not be out-crazied by the Japanese, the Americans just brought out the latest hot-fad gadget that’s setting the techie world atwitter. The “smart fork” (which also comes with a spoon attachment) measures every fork-full of food you put in your mouth, and lets you know if you’re eating too much, or too fast. It’s a good idea in theory, considering the out-of-control obesity levels, but I’m not entirely sure I want my fork telling me what to do.

Especially when they develop a more advanced version and you can programme it to be verbal or even disparaging. Instead of just vibrating to gently remind you that you might be overdoing it, your fork will be able to shout, “Oy fatso, really think you need that?” What if they become like those fancy GPS systems where you can download a famous person’s voice. I don’t want Johnny Depp telling me I’ve eaten too much pasta.

And let’s not overlook the momentous technological advances in the bedroom. There is now a Wi-Fi-enabled sex toy for all those business travellers or people in longdistance relationships. So you can still have sex even if you’re a million miles apart. You each hold one of the devices and it senses your actions and transmits them. As each lover pleasures him- or herself with the toy, the partner feels those motions in real time, so you can have virtual sex encounters. There are multiple pressure and speed sensors for the ladies, and for the gents, well, a gentleman never tells, so I don’t know, but it looks like fun in the pictures.

And just because that isn’t creepy enough, it also comes with a video-conferencing function. Clearly we haven’t learnt our lesson about leaky sex tapes from Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and all the Kardashian sisters yet.

So sure, technology can be on our side, but we’re destined to always take it too far. And whenever we do, there’ll be some geek standing by in a pair of pants that will tweet about it.