COMING SOON: TRETCHIKOFFEE, OR KITSCH MEETS CAPPUCCINO
Not many people know this, but about a year ago, coffee shop staff from all over South Africa were secretly taken en masse to an alien space ship, to learn how to make pictures in the foam on the top of cappuccinos. Obviously, they don’t talk about it, the baristas — in fact, they may have been zapped by one of those memory-destroying devices, like in
Men in Black — but that’s the only possible explanation for the sudden and widespread appearance of images and even words and phrases on our hot beverages.
I remember well the first piece of coffee art I received. It was a simple leaf shape, presented with a flourish by the barista at Seattle Coffee Shop in Killarney Mall. He must have been one of the early abductees, because he looked mightily chuffed with himself. As for me, I was blown away. I gushed, he glowed. It was lovely moment.
Within weeks I was proffered a smiley face (“Why, thank you,” I said), a heart shape (“Oh, how cute,” I said) and a teddy bear (“OK, enough already with the silly pictures,” I snapped). But it didn’t stop there. A month or two along, the really ambitious suck-up waitresses were penning little notes atop the foam. “Love your hair!” was my first. OK, I admit, I took a photo of my coffee with my iPhone and posted it on Facebook for all the world to see. It’s pathetic. But I am vain and I was naïve. I had no idea how out of hand the whole thing was going to get. Soon I was getting compliments on my jacket, my boots, and cheery good wishes for an “awesome day”. It was sort of like caffeine Twitter: very short meaningless sentences, with a life-span of mere seconds.
Apparently, the pictures and the literature are achieved by different methods (I know this, not because I myself have been abducted, but because I undertook a dangerous and secret investigation of abductees on your behalf). The pictures are usually done by “free form” method. The alien/barista first has to create the perfect steamed milk — velvety, not bubbly. Then, it/she/he creates the picture by movement of the milk jug alone. That is why these things are largely symmetrical. Free-form coffee art is apparently quite tricky and requires lots of practice, even with the help of extra-terrestrials.
Then there’s needle-etching, which is basically cheating. You use something long and thin like a sosatie stick or a toothpick (clean, for preference) to make pretty pictures or write notes on the foam. You don’t even need to be abducted to do a serviceable job.
Finally, I discover from the internet, the source of all knowledge, you can use coffee stencils. A four-year-old can create coffee art by this method. You place your stencil over the cup and sprinkle cocoa or cinnamon or cyanide or whatever your preference. Lift the stencil, and there’s your lovely picture of President Obama or musical notes or your company logo. Yes, it’s a thing in the States already. And mark my words — they’re coming soon to a coffee cup near you.