MARK BANKS
Comedian and master of ceremonies
How often do you travel?
More often than your average British Airways 747 pilot — in one month I notch up more miles than Richard Attenborough has done in his lifetime. I do a year-end gig bonanza where I travel from Nelspruit to Saldanha, back to Port Elizabeth and on to Mahekeng … and all this before lunch. In the evening, it gets even busier. Even Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon, told me he hadn’t travelled as much as I have. Mind you, he went to the moon but I have no desire to go to the moon. It’s got no atmosphere.
Describe the first holiday you remember as a child
My father took us to Southport, a beach resort in England. He’d just bought our first car, a Zeta 6. I remember sitting in the back and every time he tried to turn to hit us, he’d hit my mother instead. We stayed in an old army camp that had been converted into an old holiday camp and it rained throughout the holiday. It rained so hard that you were drier in the sea than when you came out. It was awful. I mostly remember crying. Our second holiday was far more exotic. I was eight and we travelled to South Africa and never went back. I moved first and the family followed — I’ve always been a bit of a gogetter. I saw my first pineapple in South Africa. I thought it was an enormous garlic. It sat on the kitchen table for six years because we didn’t know what to do with it. My mother watered it occasionally.
Where in South Africa did you holiday as a child?
Durban. It was a wild, fun, party town in the 1970s. I lost my shoe on the funicular chair ride next to the Dodgem cars. We stayed in a one-star residential hotel in Gillespie Street — you could see the star through a crack in the ceiling. We would hang around the beachfront hotels so people would think we were staying there. We were poor and always broke when we went on holiday; we’d go into Kentucky Fried Chicken and
lick other people’s fingers.
And your first trip abroad, as
an adult?
To the Comoros, which was horrifying. It was so hot I thought I was part of the 1970s disaster movie The
Towering Inferno. It was sticky and depressing and the hotel was even worse. The price was per person sharing but I didn’t know I’d be sharing with a giant-sized, black-fanged, tree-leaping nocturnal lizard, which I only realised later was, in actual fact, the hotel manager.
What is the most difficult, remote or adventurous destination you have ever been to?
The most remote destination I have been to is the Island of St Helena — I swam there because it doesn’t have an airport. The next time I went by boat — the Royal Mail Ship. I was on board for a month and it was horrifying, like
Twin Peaks at sea. It was a month of nothingness. St Helena is really spooky.
What is your favourite city here or abroad?
My favourite city is New York. You get three weeks of activities in one day. You can listen to music, go to exhibitions or museums or shows, and everyone is from everywhere else. You very rarely meet a New Yorker in New York. It’s the same in London. I
thought I met a Londoner once but he was actually a Bulgarian with a Cockney accent.
What is the best way to travel in a foreign city?
By taxi. There is nothing a taxi driver doesn’t know or can’t tell you.
Do you prefer roughing it or luxury when travelling?
Luxury. My favourite experience was the presidential suite at the Mount Nelson Hotel in Cape Town, where nothing is overlooked. The mini-bar has a mini-bar inside it and you get a butler and a private dining room. I got myself a book, “1000 Things to Make Your Butler Do” but, strangely, I felt like takeaways and ordered Nando’s.
What has been your worst travel experience?
I was once stuck at Heathrow for eight days. I was on standby with Virgin Atlantic. My luggage went home but I didn’t. They put me in the Virgin lounge, where I stole enough stuff to still be using it 12 years later. I give the cutlery to friends as wedding presents. I have lots of clothes from the Virgin staff and I also managed to steal 23kg of Stilton, which is why I was overweight when I eventually flew out. To be fair, they did say: “Help yourself to whatever you like.”
What’s your best piece of travel advice?
Book in for your international flight at least two hours before. This gives you more time to steal stuff from the lounge.
The oddest thing you’ve experienced while travelling?
On an Aeroflot flight from Maputo to Moscow, a very overweight air-hostess got wedged in the aisle while handing out meals. They had to change to a buffet service.
What do you hate about travelling or holidays?
I hate making small talk with strangers. I prefer to ignore people. Luckily I am very rarely recognised in public once I take off my false nose and put on my proper ears.
What elements — destination, people, attractions etc — make up your perfect holiday?
Quiet. No phone, no wifi, no hotspots. My perfect places are scattered around South Africa. Betty’s Bay is one and I am fond of that hellhole, Port St Johns, where I travelled undercover 21 years ago as a Jesuit Rabbi. I can’t do gang travel although sometimes it is nice to meet up with a gang. I love being by myself because there is always room for one, whether in a restaurant or a sold-out theatre, there is always one empty seat.
Name one place you really want to go some day?
Machu Picchu in Peru. That’s the place the Incas built to get better cellphone reception and bigger landing strips for their UFOs. They became extinct because they didn’t invent the wheel so they couldn’t get up or down the hill and couldn’t get signal.