Taking the power back from our kids

MY five-year-old is extravagantly furious at being thwarted. I have infringed her human rights by mildly suggesting that she turn off the television and put some clothes on.

Tough love, maybe. But love none the less. And, without wishing to seem smug (it is merely a happy by-product), mine is an old-fashioned, British brand of child-rearing that could soon be coming back in vogue in Scandinavia, of all places.

Yes, those very countries that once prided themselves on their enlightened, child-centred parenting style are, it seems, having second thoughts about the wisdom of letting their offspring do what they want, whenever they want.

A bestselling Swedish academic has concluded that permissive parenting is creating a generation of arrogant young adults who lack social empathy, personal resilience and, after a childhood of pampering, are destined to be bitterly disappointed in life.

“Saying ‘no’ to a child is not the same as beating a child. Parents should act like parents, not best friends,” said David Eberhard, psychiatrist, father of six and author of How Children Took Power. “They should prepare their kids for adult life by teaching them how to behave, not treat them like princes or princesses. In Sweden, they think that any form of intervention against the child is a sort of molesting.”

To the outside world it does seem as though Scandinavians have elevated hands-off parenting to a national pastime.

Yet despite the idyllic picture painted, something is rotten in the state of Sweden. Eberhard points out social problems in school, where pupils routinely refuse to follow teachers’ instructions, and later on in what he views as their unfulfilled young adulthood.

But who, really, is surprised? As any (non-Swedish) parent will tell you, rational negotiation is all very well with a fellow adult, but it is no use with a cross, tired toddler in extremis. Similarly, letting pre-teens set their own bedtimes is unfair, and expecting them to be responsible once they hit their teenage years is, frankly, irresponsible.

We all recognise, too, that parenting is the ultimate roller coaster of highs and lows, swings and roundabouts. It is just that, in my house, I make sure everyone knows it is the adults who have the keys to the funfair.

Saying ’no’ to a child is not the same as beating a child