WARM AND CARING
MANY years ago I was sent some promotional bumf that said: “You are invited to the opening of Birmingham’s biggest restaurant.” This confused me because people tend to say they want to go out for an Indian or a pizza, or to somewhere warm and cosy. I have never heard anyone say, “You know what I fancy tonight? Going somewhere really big.” Enormousness just isn’t a selling point.
It was much the same story with cars. Back then if you wanted something sporty you bought a BMW. If you wanted something reliable you bought a Volkswagen. If you wanted something durable you bought a Mercedes-Benz and if you wanted something safe you bought a Volvo.
Things have changed because Mercedes started to make little hatchbacks, BMW moved into diesels, and today if you want a reliable vehicle you don’t have to buy a VW. Anything will do. Except a Citroën. Or a Peugeot. The motor industry is one big blur, with all the manufacturers offering something to suit everyone. Just about the sportiest car made today is a Nissan, and the least sporty is a BMW. And yet in the midst of all this we have Volvo, which is sitting at the back with its hand up, still claiming that it’s the one-stop shop for those who want to be safe. Indeed its engineers recently announced that soon no one would ever die while in one of their products.
I’m afraid I scoff at this because what if you are driving along in your shiny new V70 and a giant meteorite crashes into the roof? What if you are an arms dealer and a rival puts six tons of plastic explosive in your seat? Has Volvo considered these possibilities? Quite.
Mind you, it does seem to have thought about pretty much everything else. Especially the business of protecting those in less fortunate surroundings. Because the car I’ve just been driving — a V40 T5 R-Design — is designed to make sure that you cannot run anyone down. And that if by some miracle you do, they will walk away from the impact thanking you very much for giving them such a good giggle. There are sensors that scan the road, looking for people you might be about to hit. Warnings sound, and if you ignore them, the car will brake itself. And if this doesn’t work and you crash into the poor unfortunate soul, the front of the car will turn into a giant jumping castle, ensuring he or she has not just a soft landing but a fun one too.
It is impossible to test these claims in the real world so I cannot report on whether they work. But I can ponder awhile: all this technology costs money. Which means you are forking out to pay for the wellbeing of other people. In a darkened room, when nobody is listening, you may wonder about that. You may even decide to buy a Golf GTI instead. And you may use the money you save on a luxury holiday in Barbados. This would make you very pleased.
And you’d stay pleased right up to the time when through no fault of your own you ran over a small boy and killed him. Then you’d wonder as you faced a life of shame and regret if perhaps the Volvo hadn’t been the more sensible choice. This, of course, is the trouble with safety. You don’t want it in your life right up to the moment when you do.
Oh dear, I seem to have reached the end without talking much about the actual car. Which is fine. Because there’s not much to say. It’s good-looking, quite nice to drive, reasonably fast, fairly comfortable and decently spacious. However, it is fantastically expensive. So go ahead. Buy the Golf GTI. It’s much better value. And a better car. But you will have to drive it with your fingers crossed.