Middle and motherboard
BRIGHTER cricket is something to strive for. But the concept is ablaze with a different meaning at the World T20, where wickets are laced with “Zings” — LEDs that, whenever the stumps are disturbed, could render players and even spectators blinded by the light. Look out, in particular, for bails leaping like fireflies on steroids. Progress, they call it. Marketing, we call it. Once, wickets were fashioned from wood turned on a lathe. Now they are moulded in composite plastic and come standard with sensors, which are connected to a microprocessor. Soon, batsmen will stop taking guard on middle and leg and instead ask umpires for middle and motherboard. And another thing: gone are the days of players making off with a souvenir stump in the giddy moment of victory. What with one of the newfangled bails costing as much as an iPhone and the whole WT20 tech toy box worth US$40 000, these baubles are going to be fussed over more than Dale Steyn’s hamstring.
BEFORE you brand all that as too vulgar for a game as rooted in dignity and decorum as cricket, consider Daniel Worrall’s moment of madness in Melbourne. While having a look at the pitch being prepared for a grade match at Toorak Park, the South Australia fast bowler thought it a fine idea to carve an image into the still soft surface. That was silly enough, but not as dumb as Worrall’s choice of subject for his still life: a penis and testicles. Cricket being cricket, an overreaction duly followed and Worrall was nailed with a ban of four oneday, or T20, games, whichever comes first. We could call Worrall rude names, but we won’t. However, we would advise him not to consider his punishment a stiff penalty.
HAPPILY, not all Australians are made of such flaccid stuff. Not only did Michael Clarke score an undefeated 161 in the third test at Newlands, he did so with a shoulder fractured by Morne Morkel, who also smacked the Australian captain on the jaw and forearm. And we thought Morkel was a gentle giraffe. Scans revealed the extent of Clarke’s injuries and he was promptly ruled out of the New South Wales XI for the Sheffield Shield final against Western Australia, which started in Canberra on Friday.
THERE’S nothing like hyperbole to keep things interesting, especially when it serves to pump up Clarke’s undoubted heroism even more than necessary. Former test fast bowler turned TV personality Mike Whitney said SA’s attack had “thrown everything at [Clarke] — the kitchen sink, a 20-ton truck and then they tried to beat him with a stick”. One-test wonder Phil Emery went further towards the edge of reason: “I was watching it with the kids and I said: ‘This is bodyline.’ ” Steady on, fellas. There were no trucks or sticks involved and, to be effective, bodyline requires what is now an illegal field setting. Besides, our captains have been going out to bat with broken hands for years.