THE FIRST RULE OF FART CLUB

I am still laughing at (Paige Nick’s column last week). I was once in a lift when someone released a silent back-door breeze and disembarked on the fourth floor. I was going to the ninth floor but I got out when it opened on the sixth. We should have signs that say, “No Farting in the Lift” or “No Farting in Public Places”.

— Phiwe Radebe I suffered from extremely smelly “berg winds” for years, until a colleague told me about chlorophyll tablets. After losing my first husband I met another man whose BO was so strong that a friend said to me: “You will not be able to live with that!” I said, “Watch me!” and started him on the chlorophyll tablets, telling him they were vitamins. The difference was amazing. We’ve been married for eight years.

— Naomi Wakefield My Dear Paige, consider yourself fortunate that you are not a Muslim woman. I read recently about a proposed new Sharia law concerning women who back-chat in public. Depending on the volume and how much it offends bystanders, police will have licence to strip you and give you 20 lashes, make you pay a fine or even send you to prison.

Humans go through a period at some stage of their life when they cannot control their outbursts. I have been through that myself and it was the most embarrassing experience in my life. I eventually closed my one-man business and took long leave to sort out my problem. I think a person has to adopt healthy and regular eating habits to achieve a regular cycle.

If someone should break wind in company and apologise immediately, that person will be eternally grateful to you if you tell him/her no offence was taken. It does clear the air.

— Jack James