Guide to manners for gentlewomen in 21st century
Plenty has been written and spoken about how to be a gentleman in the age of Twitter and cat videos — but what about his modern would-be partner? Hannah Betts offers an updated guide to the do’s and don’ts
ETERNAL VERITIES: Tastes have changed, but if Audrey Hepburn were alive today she would surely never let a drop of Baileys cross her lips
THAT most zeitgeistdefining organ, Country Life magazine, has issued a guide for the modern gentleman, to mark the launch of its Gentleman of the Year award.
It ordains, among other things, that a gent must refrain from tweeting or owning a cat (wrongly, in fact), “curtail his drinking” before becoming unseemly and “only makes love on his elbows”.
With this in mind, we have benevolently compiled an inventory for the 21st-century gentlewoman.
A gentlewoman has a job that she pursues with purpose. She is never sycophantic, but equally charming to one and all. She holds the door open for as many men as open it for her. She is the epitome of politeness, a characteristic that can turn suitably glacial when circumstances demand. She favours a handshake with strangers, and reserves kisses for loved ones, not work e-mails.
She is terrified of no one and nothing: her finances, DIY, driving, spiders — although she reserves the right to bring in professionals should she assess her talents in these quarters to be less than exceptional. She carries her own luggage; baggage, ditto.
A lady does not say: “Shut uuup” when incredulous or refer to “a jean” even parodically. She continues to find the word “toilet” rather appalling. Judicious swearing is perfectly acceptable, the phrase “Pardon my French” is not.
A gentlewoman addresses her partner with fond courtesy. Teasing is appropriate; lacerating satire is not. A gentlewoman does not talk about her children, although she may occasionally talk to them. Said offspring will consider it their duty to make themselves interesting to adults, not the other way around. If single, she pays her own way, unless a prostitute, and provides her own Durex, whether a prostitute or not.
A lady eats and drinks. She does not bore on about her dietary or health regime, or engage in competitively self-deprecating “fat talk”. If she does happen to be endeavouring to lose weight, she will have the grace to keep this to herself and behave normally. Over dinner, she will not discuss house prices, schools, nannies, or ask people what they do, but settle upon some topic of greater fascination. Her small talk hovers winningly towards the large.
A woman may become more flirtatious with alcohol, but never rapacious. She is as happy with a pint of real ale as a cocktail, and expects neither to be remarked upon. Baileys is inadmissible even at Christmas. The only acceptable flammable drink is Sambuca, for the under30s, and nothing is to be combined with orange juice or cream. Rosé is not permissible when consumed anywhere other than the continent.
A lady, as a gentleman, considers grooming mere politeness, in addition to being a civilising pleasure that she takes no little delight in. She does not partake in the creation or publication of nomake-up selfies, whether or not it is for charitable purposes. Her nails may be lacquered, but do not feature designs, neither are they of Freddy Krueger proportions. She would never consider deploying fake tan, artificial padding, or hair extensions, other than for fancy dress. A lady smells sublime.
A woman should always be appropriately shod: if she cannot walk elegantly, unaided, in heels, she should not wear them. Regardless of fashion, platforms are ungainly, heeled trainers ludicrous. Loungewear is for the home, sporting wear for sport — neither should be translated into public. She does not purchase her underwear in packets and refers to any tights as “stockings”.
The gentlewoman does not “pinkify” her surroundings. She does not harbour soft toys, about her bed or elsewhere; cushions serve a practical rather than decorative purpose, while family photographs are contained. She maintains a domestic drinks selection for herself and others, and always has a packet of cigarettes about the house for guests, as she would tea, coffee and basic first aid.
A gentlewoman does not always make love on her back ... — © The Daily Telegraph, London CHEAP TRICKS: The gentlewoman would never consider deploying fake tan, artificial padding, or hair extensions, other than for fancy dress