Mr President, you owe your wife an apology

MR President, you didn’t just come out and tell the whole world that your wife had been raped, all in an effort to justify the obscenity that is Nkandla. In doing so, you have violated her all over again. Did she want the world to know this? If so, did she want it done at a press briefing where you were answering other questions about matters not related to her?

I look at your wife. She is elderly, dignified and ill at ease under the spotlight your ambition has cast on her. Yet she comes out when she is required to, accompanies you and lends dignity to your name. Even when your scandals have clearly humiliated her, she is there, long-suffering, loyal and a pillar of strength to you.

Your party has just won an election and you will no doubt be marching victoriously back to the Union Buildings. But forget about that for a minute. Forget about politics. Ask your children to tell you about a song by Beyoncé, If I Were A Boy. One verse goes: If I were a boy . . . I’d put myself first. And make the rules as I go. ’Cause I know that she’d be faithful. Waitin’ for me to come home.

When you glibly revealed your wife’s violation in that manner, you behaved like that boy — a boy who does not get it. Even if the construction at your house was not being questioned, blurting out the rape of your wife in that manner was wrong in many ways. When the incident happened, I remember a brief comment from her on television, saying she would not talk about it because “Ubaba uzothukuthela”. Baba — you — would be angry.

I remember it because it made me deeply sad. I could not countenance that a woman who has been violated could not express her pain, but had to guard her words and actions so that she did not offend her husband. A husband who does not and will never know the pain she endured. Yet, years later, when it suited you, you did not mind sharing this. It is sad that in a country where the level of rape is intolerable, you were not motivated by a need to raise awareness about this vicious crime and assure women and children that you understand what they are going through because you have been affected. You did it for yourself.

Your revelation has also removed focus from your wife and placed it on

You were not motivated by a need to raise awareness about this vicious crime. You did it for yourself

you. Instead of South Africans discussing how rape has affected vulnerable, elderly women, they are talking about you and Nkandla. They are saying you revealed that to gain sympathy and justify the excessive looting. Your wife is not on the agenda.

In 1999, your wife did not have a voice. She still doesn’t. You chose when and how the news would be disseminated. You decided for her and thus rendered her irrelevant and invisible. She had a right to tell us what was in her heart, or to keep it in her heart. You dragged it out not in a prepared speech, but in response to a question you could not have known was coming.

I am a girl and I can offer some tips on how we like to be loved. Forget about the ANC’s victory for a moment — it will still be there tomorrow. Tell your other wives you will speak to them another time. Go to Nkandla, switch off your phone. Open your arms, look your wife in the eyes and tell her you love and care for her deeply. Tell her you would be nothing without her. And tell her you are so sorry that some vicious men violated her but that, in your eyes, she is worthy of dignity.

And then, tell her you are sorry.