Be a guest, not a pest
Sibongile Mafu presents her five commandments for civilised behaviour at a wedding
YOU managed to crack the nod. You try not to be upset that bloody Sam received his invite a few weeks ago, which served to confirm that you were on the C-List. After all, the well-meaning couple battled for weeks to cut down their 500strong family and pesky Facebook friends list to a deserving and digestible 150 people. So despite your secret resentment, you still want to reward them by being the optimal wedding guest. There’s no better time to test your all-round civility than at a wedding. Herewith, your essential guide to being the perfect matrimonial extra.
1. Eyeball-hogging is wrong
“Don’t outshine the bride.” This golden rule has been passed down from generation to generation, and often flouted. Sure, you have that gobsmacking designer dress with the train that you absolutely must wear, but remember one simple truth: your role is to provide pleasant wallpaper for photographs. Think of yourself as a beautiful, walking, talking chair cover. So contain your fabulosity for just one day. Pick something simple, and if it’s a themed wedding, don’t go over the top.
2. Appliances are the socks of wedding gifts ...
You bought that Russell Hobbs blender the day before because you’re sure the poor dears could do with it. Stop this behaviour immediately. Think about what the couple needs and will appreciate. This is your time to shine as a wedding guest. Put some effort and thought into that gift. Perhaps pay for a mover when they occupy their new home? Practical, memorable. Or something else. Think.
3. Endeavour to be fun
If the couple wanted a corpse at their wedding they would have invited one — and thereby saved on catering costs — so look alive on the big day. Yes, you might have had to loiter for two hours while the couple perfected that cheesy jumping shot with the photographer. But when they do finally rejoin you, remember it is not a funeral. Mingle with family and fellow guests. Know when to hang back and when to enter the fray. You were invited because you have some sort of pulse and will enhance the day. Be the most entertaining length of wallpaper in the history of wallpaper.
4. Exercise restraint
The food and drinks are free. I know. But try not to attack the victuals like a dehydrated vulture at a fresh kill. If it’s a buffet, take what you know you’ll eat — not everything just because it’s there. If the dance floor starts to revolve while you are standing still, you have failed to limit yourself at the open bar. Have enough for a good time, but do not become the star of a YouTube viral video entitled “THAT guest”.
5. And what do you say ... ?
After the bash, send a thank-you note — an e-mail or an actual paper card. If you had a good time, this will be easy to write. If you didn’t, lie. Who said embellishment is only for wedding dresses?