Catching the gravy train to the trough
THE recent opening of The Trough, a superb fine dining experience within the halls of the Union Buildings, heralds what must be a new age for cuisine in southern Africa. During an era of promised cutbacks, and following an election that focused on issues of corruption and job creation, The Trough is gloriously impervious to the tides of the times.
The rich food will certainly lead to corruption — of the colon and other digestive organs — and to job creation — for gastroenterologists, cardiologists and other medical professionals. But this is a small price to pay for what must be one of the more unique restaurants anywhere in the world.
The boîte is expensively appointed to resemble a Mercedes AMG dealership, with low lighting and obsequious men in suits smiling mysteriously at those who enter. Because The Trough is all-you-can-eat, the custom is to swipe a government-issued American Express Centurion card through one of the blinking terminals, and to download the seating plan and menu onto the iPhone app.
The restaurant is intelligently divided into Left, Right and Centre “wings”, so that politicians, aides, hangers-on and guests may feed within their political comfort zones. Each “wing” is dominated by an enormous stainless-steel feeding trough, before which the diner must kneel on Louis Vuitton cushions. The delectable meal is then hosed into the gleaming vastness. One simply dips one’s head into the trough in order to enjoy such marvels as are piped through from the kitchen.
On a recent visit, the Left were enjoying what is dubbed as the “Worker’s Menu” — a tasty combination of pap, boerewors and spicy tomato sauce blended into a thick paste that is easily lapped down. The Right were consuming a consommé of steak tartare, “fracked” goose liver and “miner’s blood” raspberry jus. The Centrists were served a featureless blend of both.
No dining experience is complete without accompanying beverages, and in this regard The Trough is once again exemplary. If there is one thing politicians of all stripes can agree upon, it is that JohnnieWalker Blue Label goes with all occasions. Spigots are placed along the troughs, and the thirsty diner merely flicks the switch in order to flood his or her meal with the piquant flavourings of the Drink of Kings.
To finish, a dessert of vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce is sprayed directly into the mouth of diners by the smartly attired attendants. “Oscar” buckets are discreetly placed in darkened corners, so that the more committed diner may purge and continue feeding, perhaps from one of the other politically designated troughs.
With great sensitivity, The Trough does not reveal the price for this extraordinary culinary adventure, so it would be most difficult for the average South African to know what to budget for. If one doesn’t have political connections, then it is perhaps best to acknowledge that The Trough is out of bounds. That said, if one does happen to make it inside, gorging is the order of the day. Just remember to use the “Oscar” bucket, and to bring a breath mint.