IF IT’S FATHER’S DAY, IT MUST BE BILTONG CITY
While his dad slaved over a hot stove, Bryan van Niekerk invited his pals over to help find Joburg’s best biltong
Because it’s Father’s Day next week, I decided to let my old man sit this review out. Fathers (or mine at any rate) spend so much of their lives generously providing, and we sometimes take them for granted. To celebrate fathers, I invited nine offspring-free mates (ie nonfathers) to enjoy a five-course gourmet meal at the hands of the culinary genius that is my dad.
“Come again?”, you ask. “You made your pops work for two solid days, preparing a flavour extravaganza including a deconstructed Greek salad comprising feta vichyssoise with tomato sorbet and olive tapenade, while he should be kicking back with a newspaper and a double espresso? You selfish bastard.”
You see, in the quintessential playground battle of whose dad can beat whose, mine was always bigger (at 1.95m he could poke your dad in the eye from across a banquet table). In fact, he wouldn’t hurt a fly, but in the kitchen, he’ll make your dad look like he’s participating in nursery school arts and crafts. When you get the opportunity to show your old man off, you do. That’s called celebrating your father while enjoying the gains of his culinary brilliance. Win-win, no?
But for all the other dads out there, the normal ones who drink beer and prefer braais to bluecheese crème brûlée, the guys who would rather watch the Stormers lose AGAIN than watch that the duck confit is crisped to perfection . . . as a prelude to our feast, we indulged in a blind biltong tasting from 10 random spots in Joburg to make your next pre-game stock-up a little easier.
Each biltong was given a rating out of 10 for a total out of 100. I’ve included some of our panelists’ thoughts, to give you an idea what was going through our heads.
So in reverse order, here are 10 Joburg biltongs as rated by an independent, blind panel of biltong enthusiasts and fans of our fathers. This one’s for you dads. 10. Braeside, 4th Avenue, Parkhurst Despite being the self-proclaimed best biltong in Jozi, Braeside’s beef offering failed to impress. “Tastes old and dusty.” Pre-sliced, 55/100 9. P en F Vleismark, 163 Johann le Roux Road, Meyerton A great hopeful, the Meyerton biltong was too sweet for most palates. “Tastes like Sweets From Heaven smells.” Pre-sliced, 61.5/100 8. Impala, 177 Beyers Naude Drive, Northcliff In a tie for 8th place, Impala and Texas Café sat on opposite ends of the moist spectrum. Impala’s presliced beef product was “dry and lame, the meat of a beast with no friends”. Freshly sliced, 62.5/100 8. Texas Café, 45 First Street, Parkhurst This corner café was greasier than Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta. “Oily and rancid. Tastes like it’s been hanging in a warm room.” Pre-sliced, 62.5/100 6. Makro, Main Reef Road, Crown Mines The comments were generally about how peppery the seasoning was. Some liked that, others did not. “Would rather buy Woolies snapsticks.” Pre-sliced, 63.5/100 5. Jumbo Meats, Pine Avenue, Carreira Centre, Ferndale Average middle-of-the-road stuff from Jumbo. “Ticks all the boxes of what biltong should be, but lacking something that would make me want more.” Freshly sliced, 67.5/100 4. Mr Biltong, Eastgate, 43 Bradford Road, Bedfordview Mixed reactions here but a good showing from a place with biltong for a surname. “Great ageing, a fantastic colour with no grease.” Freshly
sliced, 68.5/100 3. Yummy Biltong, www.yummybiltong.co.za Strong-flavoured, this biltong topped the list for a few panelists. “Thick meaty, smoky taste.” “Deep lingering flavour, a bit too much MSG masking the beef flavour.” Freshly sliced,
70/100 2. Tyrone Fruiters, 56 Tyrone Avenue, Parkview Tyrone Fruiters does well with a tender, full-flavoured offering. “Reminds me of biltong bought in the game reserve. Nice seasoning.” “Texture is a big contrast between tough and crunchy and soft and silky.” Freshly sliced, 70.5/100 1. The Butchershop and Grill, Nelson Mandela Square, Sandton The most generally pleasing but expensive biltong in the competition. “Good marble, good fat size.” Freshly
sliced, 73/100 .......................................... Disclaimer: We know there are better biltongs around; we simply reviewed what was brought in on the night.