RETHINKING THE OLIVE BRANCH
Memo to God: Good Lord, we here at Feinstein Nebuchadnezzar Sennacherib are honoured to have won the tender to develop your proposed “global peace-on-earth” brand and are excited about working with you and your team of angels on this inspiring project going forward — hopefully we can “make a difference” and persuade the tribes of Ham to quit smiting the Pharisees, and verily vice versa! Some initial ideas: 1) “The Rainspot Nation” — This will require some tinkering with the laws of physics, but we believe it’s achievable. (Dude, you created an entire universe in six days!) In a nutshell: shine your sun through mist or rain so the tiny water droplets refract the light and create a “lightshow in the sky”. We’re thinking a spotlight of different colours — indigo, purple, red . . . the possibilities are endless! This would symbolise different nations coming together as one. We envisage the “rainspot nation” effect lasting at least six months in most cases, if not an actual eternity.
2) “Man on a Wheel” — A bit macabre perhaps, but our polling indicates that it would resonate with a significant demographic. Basically, a photogenic “prophet” wins a big following by dishing out free fish and bread to the multitudes, and possibly performs a few “miracles” — we know public drunkenness is a big nono, but perhaps he could appear to turn tap water into a Châteauneuf-du-Tap with notes of oak on the mid-palate? Or maybe into lager, for the “common man” touch. Anyway, the bad guys catch him, tie him to a wheel, and roll him down a hill! Ouch. The prophet would suffer some fairly intense misery, but the upside is that the image of a wheel would forever be etched in everyone’s mind as a symbol of turning the other cheek and making sacrifices and everything. We think.
3) “The Marijuana Branch” — Part of the appeal of this one is how it ties into the whole climate change thing and saving the planet. We would need some rain, quite a lot of rain in fact. Pretty much enough to drown the whole world. You would have to pretend to be angry, in a tough love kind of way, because everyone would die. Spoiler alert: everyone, that is, except one couple! See, they would have the foresight to build a boat. There they would be, floating around with their pet cats, water everywhere. We could have them say things like, “Gee, if only we hadn’t burnt down all the trees and caused the greenhouse effect”; or, “If only we hadn’t made God angry by being mean to each other” — perfect material for a book (see our separate “Bible” proposal). Then one day they run out of budgie food. Did we mention they bring their budgie along? The kind thing to do is release it from its cage so that when it dies from exhaustion and hunger, it will be while flying through the air on wings of freedom. (Cue melancholy theme music.) Our survivorcouple dab their eyes as they watch Polly disappear over the horizon. But lo and behold, when they awake next morning, Polly is perched on the foot of their bed! With a sprig of marijuana in its beak! The floods are receding! Our couple smoke a joint and everyone lives happily ever after.