What’s in a nickname?

SOMETIME last week I found myself at someone’s house in Naturena, south of Johannesburg. There, I was introduced to someone who answers to the name “Tiny”. I didn’t think too much of it, because I know of at least a dozen people named “Tiny” and most of them have one thing in common: gross obesity. But what set this particular Tiny apart is that he is a hilarious raconteur and he had me in stitches describing how he became “Tiny”.

Apparently, he has always been a large individual. When he was in Grade 6, his English teacher in Dube, Soweto, a particularly illtempered fellow, went around asking everyone in the class to give him one English word representing the diminutive.

Just before his turn came, the fellow next to him used up the word he had in mind, which was “short”. So he blurted out, “tiny”. The teacher yelled, “As tiny as your shorts?” Tiny nodded and he has been known as Tiny for the past 37 years.

I recently posted something on Facebook to the effect that I often think adults are nothing more than kids with pubic hair. A friend of mine, Carol Walljee, countered with the observation that this is especially true of the male species. I agree with her. There is something about the human male that freezes his maturity around age 12, leading to a situation where a bunch of 46-year-olds call each other “Floppy”, “Pissy” and “Droopy” at the country club.

But that’s not so bad. In the township, these nicknames stick to folks from Floyd to Julius. You don’t suppose our Minister of Higher Education was christened “Blade”, do you? I believe his real name is Bonginkosi or something similarly lame. I doubt he’d be a minister (Doctorate aside) if he wasn’t called “Blade”.

The Gauteng Education MEC is Panyaza Lesufi because of his exploits on the football fields of Thembisa, no doubt inspired by Andries “Panyaza” Maseko, the silky Moroka Swallows midfielder of the 1970s and 1980s.

Even Jomo Sono was never christened “Jomo”. A coach, impressed by his fighting spirit, dubbed him “Jomo” after “The Burning Spear”, Jomo Kenyatta. I totally get why Jomo kept his moniker. His real name is Ephraim. I don’t think any female of questionable sexual morality

You don’t suppose he was christened ‘Blade’, do you?

would leave a Soweto shebeen with a fellow named Ephraim in 1973.

Speaking of the name Ephraim, the latest Bafana coach is one Shakes Mashaba. But his parents also christened him “Ephraim”. I suspect that if you approached him and asked, “Are you Ephraim Mashaba?” he would immediately call his lawyer because the only times that name has been used have been in a court of law.

The genesis of nicknames is usually fascinating. During my former life as a high-school teacher, I had a colleague who told me how, during his first week at teachers’ college in Maritzburg in the early ’80s, he got his nickname.

He was busy stretching before the start of a physical education class in his brand-new tracksuit when some ill-behaved rogue gas escaped from his bowels. The Zulu word for flatulence is “suza”. As a result, for the rest of his three years at college, he would be referred to as “Suzman”.

It was so serious that he never got to have a girlfriend for the duration of his three-year stay at the institution.

Due to my slightly (I repeat “slightly”) larger than normal human cranial size, I have had all manner of derogatory names for big-headed folks bestowed upon me. I have been called “Headmaster”, “Megamind”, “Ten-Over-One”, “Warbus”, etc. And those are the kinder, gentler names for those of us with larger skulls.

The Zulu names — “Mangqezu”, “Nguzunga”, “Bhazabhaza” — are far less forgiving and all convey only one message: “Your skull is extraordinarily huge!”

A friend of mine, Maswazi, is called “Mcwayizeni” because he blinks faster than anyone else. “Mcwayizeni” means: “one who blinks about three times a second”. Another friend, Moeletsi, is called “DStv” because his ears are apparently so huge they can pick up signal all the way from Siberia. Siyabonga is called “Half Man” because he is so hairy everyone believes he is half man, half bear.

Male adult humans should desist from giving each other nicknames. It’s simply not a mature practice. Before we know it, the country’s deputy president will be known by his Native American moniker; “Twangs Like St Stithians”. We can’t have that. It is simply against the principles of the National Democratic Revolution. LS ngcobon@sundaytimes.co.za @NdumisoNgcobo