Lost for words? Think Neymar, naked
DEAR Metrosexual, I’m afraid to say your worst nightmare has come true: you are now so last decade. The term was coined 20 years ago by British journalist Mark Simpson when he smooshed “metropolitan” and “heterosexual” together to describe the growing population of young men who took their grooming as seriously as women and aimed to be on the cutting edge of trends, fashion and designer facial hair. Simpson himself is a metrosexual, and he’s also a top smooshalist (a journalist who smooshes words together to make new words).
He came up with the term when he noticed lots of men were spending tons of time and cash getting facials, doing the manscaping, and wearing manbags. Man-icures followed, and so did meggings (man tights). It was reported that metrosexuals in the UKspent more on shoes last year than women did. They put the man in Manolo Blahnik.
But recently Simpson announced that there’s a new breed of man in town. Meet the spornosexual — “sport”, “porn” and “metrosexual” smooshed together into a new-aged man-thong. The spornosexual is an even more extreme sex-and-body-obsessed kind of man than we’ve ever seen before. God help us. Picture the gayest, most body-fixated man you’ve ever come across. Now make him very straight and almost naked — that’s a spornosexual.
They have perfectly pumped and chiselled bodies, strategically placed tattoos, piercings and perfect all-over tans, and they’re not afraid to use them. Who knew you could bleach, comb and put hair gel in your chest hair? While metrosexuals were all about wearing the hippest, best-fitting clothes, spornosexuals couldn’t be less interested in covering their bodies. As far as they’re concerned, the less they wear, the better for all of us.
Nothing turns a spornosexual on more than the sight of a chiselled ab, or a glistening thigh — their own, of course. Hey, if you spent 19 of every 24 hours sweating it up in the gym, sculpting your body till it’s so sharp it could give you a paper cut, you’d want to show it off too, and clothes really just get in the way.
To find the perfect spornosexual speciman (sic), turn to a glossy magazine and the latest international male underwear or fragrance ad. Particularly the ones where they shoot the entire Brazilian soccer team naked in a changing room. Those are grade A, prime cut, spornosexuals.
In a recent episode of British reality show The Only Way is Essex, Harry and Bobby appear on a beach wearing the latest spornosexual accessory: the half thong. Which is weird, because I thought a thong was half a thing already, half underpants, half butt-crack. If you’ve never seen a spornosexual thong, imagine almost enough fabric to cover the penis and testicle area, held up by a wish and a prayer, and there you have it. You know the Nike swoosh? Well, cut that out, paste it over your junk, and you’ve got the half thong. Also this slip of fabric must be in neon, it’s the law. Just in case you didn’t notice the buffed, coiffed, peroxided naked guy on the beach, the lumo green or orange penis hammock should help with visibility.
Hey, I’m not complaining. As long as there’s another law whereby spornosexuals have very specific measurements, this shouldn’t go too badly. If you can see past their giant egos, they’re not so hard to look at. The only question is, who thinks they’re hotter, ladies — us or them? LS amillionmilesfromnormal@gmail.com @paigen