‘Jealous down’, Shakes, you’ve done your thing

SHAKES Mashaba has the most beautiful set of teeth. Some of his pearls are false.

He is not Capetonian but is sonder tande like most people of the Cape. Hence the artificial dentition.

False as some of his teeth may be, everything about the man is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Let me share with you the story of how the man with false teeth has infused a mean bite in Bafana Bafana that will leave Luis Suarez’s incisors dripping with envy.

No, no, no, no, the manner in which he has lifted Bafana from the ignominy of nonentity and the rack of ridicule has nothing to do with sorcery. Neither is it a product of some potent portion of umuthi from a powerful witch.

Which is better, because the last time the South African Football Association dabbled in voodoo, a victory for Bafana became a hoodoo.

Mashaba used his HERBUM (see below) to convert Bafana from no-hopers to prideswelling injectors.

is for honesty: Mashaba is wysiwyg — what you see is what you get. With him players know that they don’t make South Africa special, South Africa makes them special. Do you hear that May Mahlangu?

is for equality — in Mashaba’s mind the disposition that all animals are equal but some are more equal than others exists only in George Orwell’s Animal Farm. The simple mantra in his Bafana team is “there are no fringe players here”.

Those who sit on the bench are no lesser than those in the starting 11. Whether you play overseas or under rivers, if you’re South African and do the job you will play. But if you tell us you’re fatigued, nc, nc, nc, nc, nc, nc, we say askies and move on without you, May Mahlangu.

is for respect: the national team jersey and the flag shall be respected by all and jealously protected from those who want to use it to advance their own agendas. This includes unscrupulous agents and the fatigued — do you hear that, May Mahlangu?

is for bravery: fielding a greenhorn 17-year-old teenager in hostile foreign conditions is not for the fainthearted. Rivaldo Coetzee hardly put a foot wrong against Congo in Brazzaville and Polokwane and Sudan in Durban. The boy from Kakamas is a better player for that experience, the epitome of the newer, younger and hungrier Bafana being built for the 2018 World Cup in Russia.

is for Queen Latifah’s U-N-IT-Y: The last time the team was this tight was in the days of Clive Barker. M is for Maturity: in the past he would have breathed fire and brimstone in response to the mess May Mahlangu tried to create. But Mashaba has shown that, at 64, he has matured like vintage wine.

Mshekesheke, Baba Hawza, Shaaaaakes. Like my people say in the townships when someone has done a good job — you’ve done your thing, jealous down.

The ridicule and the air of pessimism have been replaced by respect and an aura of optimism.

Arise Sir Shakes, South Africa bows before you.

As we look at Bafana today we see a smiling Mashaba. We remember the smile of Senzo Meyiwa. We walk around with a bounce and a spring in our step. Do you hear that, May Mahlangu? A word to Mashaba’s critics: “Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they are presented with evidence that works against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted.

“It would create a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance. And because it is so important to protect the core belief, they will rationalise, ignore and even deny anything that doesn’t fit with the core belief.” — Frantz Fanon. Sink your teeth into that, haters.