Damage caused by absent parenting cannot be ignored
THE Sunday Times went where nobody dared to go, and gave us a window into the lives of the four suspects in the fatal stabbing of Mozambican trader Emmanuel Josias (known as Sithole). Depravity, neglect, squalid living conditions, lack of education and absent fathers.
None of this excuses their vicious actions and we should be forthright in saying that they did not show their victim any mercy. The law must be brought to bear. But their background should at least force us into a long-overdue conversation about families and their place in building a peaceful, thriving society.
The Sunday Times spoke to the broken mothers of these young men. Instead of women who indulged their sons and excused their behaviour, we encountered strict, loving women who had done their best for their sons despite their meagre resources.
Mthintha Bhengu’s mother was unequivocal: “I could see it was him holding the knife. I know him. He is my child.”
The mother of 17-year-old Ayanda Sibiya said: “The law must take its course. If he is guilty, he must be punished.”
The similarities in the circumstances of the suspects are instructive. All four are poor, and shared a single room with their mothers and siblings. All but one come from big families; Mthintha’s mother has seven children, Ayanda’s mother has three, Sizwe Ngomezulu’s mother has five.
When are we going to have an honest conversation about this? We are avoiding the issue and choosing to be politically correct. This is not about denying the poor their reproductive rights but it is about an education drive that thoroughly interrogates the link between family size and continued poverty and deprivation. It is not a conversation merely for the poor, but for the entire nation. It does not have to be prescriptive, but it should invite all of us to reflect on how our decisions impact on the wellbeing of the children we bring into this world.
The dialogue can emphasise rights and responsibilities. I am not suggesting that all criminals or lost youths come from poor families.
The second observation is that all but one of the four boys was in school. They have dropped out.
And now, for the elephant in the room. The one thing that all four have in common is an absent father. They’re either dead or have abandoned their families. The boys’ mothers raised them alone. How does this impact on a child and his or her sense of self? It would be frivolous to argue that every
Are we teaching boys that they cannot just be sperm donors?
child who grows up in poverty, with no education and an absent parent ends up stabbing people in the streets — but we cannot ignore the phenomenon of absent parenting.
The South African Institute of Race Relations indicates that the “typical [black] child is raised by a mother in a singleparent household”. Fathers may well be alive, but black children have the lowest proportion of dads who are present in their lives, according to 2009 figures: 30%.
Are we teaching boys that they cannot just grow up to be sperm donors who disappear when it suits them?
The conditions of the four young men did not justify the brutal murder of Emmanuel. My empathy and sense of right and wrong do not allow that. But the similarities between these families demand a multilayered response to our social malaise.