Bitten by the Google bug
IN the past two weeks I have been involved in two exchanges that raised many questions for me, about whether humanity deserves the worldwide web and the internet. No, they’re not the same thing. The latter is built on top of the former.
The first incident happened while the missus and I went on a weekend getaway to Limpopo to exhale and do absolutely diddly squat. While lazing about on Saturday afternoon, she goes online and searches the web for teethwhitening remedies. I suspect she was trying to tell me something.
Anyway, she then casually remarks that one of the concoctions she has found has hydrogen peroxide as one of the ingredients. Based purely on a fuzzy feeling, no doubt gleaned from those “Did you know?” facts on Chappies wrappers, I responded, “I don’t think hydrogen peroxide is safe to use orally.” Yes, it is, she insisted gently.
Despite the fact that she has a Masters in chemistry I insisted, confident that my understanding of chemistry is deep, having passed chemistry 1A after the third try, which I reckon makes me a rather thorough individual. In fact, until two weeks ago, the term “hydrogen peroxide” resided in the same compartment of my brain as Iran’s uranium enrichment programme.
I didn’t think hydrogen peroxide was something that anyone should ever put inside their mouth unless they were taking a tour of a pharaoh’s tomb and were overwhelmed by an uncontrollable urge to perform fellatio on one of the embalmed cadavers. Or something similarly unlikely. As it turns out, and despite it being an ingredient in bleach, one can gargle quite safely with the stuff unless one is an idiot and swallows it. Worldwide web 1: me 0.
The second exchange occurred while I was in the middle of writing this column. While taking a break, I watched a US Open fourth-round match involving Venus Williams. At the end, the interviewer congratulated Williams on having attained a college degree.
After a cursory web search I tweeted that I was impressed that she had graduated with a BSc. Within seconds someone had responded to correct me; no, she didn’t get a BSc but a degree in business. So I went back to the web. No, the web insisted, she graduated with a Bachelor of Science degree in business administration. When I pointed this out (admittedly sarcastically), the other party ignored the veracity of my assertion and used up all their energy on my patronising ways.
Both these experiences reminded me of an observation I have made before; how we have been blessed with one of the greatest gifts in the history of humankind; the “interwebs”, and how reluctant we all are to use it. It boggles the mind just how often people call you in a panic because they’re late for a meeting. “I’m lost. How do I get to the corner of Van Buuren and Kloof in Bedfordview?” This, in the year 2015 of our Lord. With a Galaxy S6 and its perfectly functioning navigation system in their pockets.
That always makes me think that the idea of shutting down the internet completely is not as preposterous as it sounded when Julius Malema toyed with the idea of closing down Twitter in South Africa back when he was still a Young Lion. Well, that was before he had his Damascus experience and became the darling of all and sundry with a bone to pick with Nkandla’s No 1 resident. Ironically, closing Twitter is precisely what minister David Mahlobo’s people at state security did just before the black-and-whiteclad Notorious Waiters reached out and touched Juju and his Red Berets during this year’s state of the nation address.
But I think our spooks overreacted. We’re generally not an information-hungry people in these parts. We tend to regard the acquisition of new information the same way Mmusi Maimane regards same-sex marriage; we’re not against it if it absolutely must happen. I think all those people who predicted our version of an Arab Spring four years ago were smoking some hectic Swazi contraband. Especially in a country where someone will tweet something about the opposition attempting a filibuster in the National Assembly, and 105 people respond: “What’s filibuster?”
When you suggest to someone that it’s far quicker to search the web for an answer than it is to tweet a question to someone and wait for an answer, the favourite response I get is: “You shouldn’t trust information you get on Google.”
Ahahaha. That’s a lot like arguing that you can’t trust information you get in a library because a book you got from the library once told you that the Earth was flat. However, to be absolutely honest, the only reason I harbour any passion for seeking information is so that I can win debates.
I confine my debating mostly to private spaces, often as a party trick. And I debate for three reasons; to dazzle everyone with how much of an intellectual I am when I’m under the influence of whisky; to be entertained by people who take debate seriously; but, most of all, because after I have debated someone with a Master of Laws degree about the law (a subject I know dangerously little about), I often leave the debate knowing a little more about the law than I did before.
I think that the sooner we all truly get on the worldwide web bandwagon, the better for everyone concerned. Viewing the web with the same level of suspicion displayed by folks towards the automobile in the early 1900s is not sustainable.
In the words of Isaac Asimov: “Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge’.”
You don’t believe he said that? Google it.
Those who predicted our version of an Arab Spring were smoking some hectic Swazi contraband
We regard new information the same way Mmusi Maimane regards same-sex marriage