First shots fired in phony war

THAT the first shots in the phony war on England’s tour of South Africa emerged from a popgun in Potchefstroom yesterday will resonate with Anglo-Boer War buffs.

Potch and Centurion are 162km apart. Centurion is where the Titans and the Dolphins contested the franchise T20 final yesterday. Potch is where England insisted on holding their arrival press conference yesterday — albeit fiveand-a-half hours before the first ball was bowled in Centurion.

And that despite the English being asked to change their plans because every cricket reporter in South Africa worth his or her freebies would be on their way to Centurion, or would balk at making a detour of 324km to cover both events.

Which effectively restricted England’s presser to their own travelling hack pack. Ah, well — at least no one would have heard them mention the war.

That’s if they did at all, what with the navel-wringing — that peculiarly English anguish that happens when navel-gazing meets hand-wringing — that happens before every England tour. Good thing they lost their previous test series against Pakistan in October and November. Otherwise they would have to invent reasons not to be cheerful.

The subplot is the omission of Ian Bell and his 118 test caps, which means Joe Root is the only member of the middle order who can be sure of his place. That triggered a torrent of typing that was in full swing when England embarked for SA.

“We will miss [Bell’s] experience but he would be the first to admit he hasn’t quite scored the runs over the last couple of years,” Alastair Cook said.

“But, certainly, you might see him score them again. It’s a weird thing — missing a tour might do him the world of good.

“He’s been on pretty much every tour since 2000, whether it’s with England Under-19s, the Lions or the full side.”

Spoken from a thoroughly wrung navel. And, yes, anguished Englishmen really do say things like that. But hang in there: the phony war ends at Kingsmead on December 26.

It’s a weird thing — missing a tour might do [Bell] world of good

Picture: GETTY IMAGES ON A MISSION: England’s test captain Alastair Cook urged his team to make the most of playing an SA side in transition. He was speaking before his team’s departure at Heathrow Airport