NO, YOU ARE NOT MY SISTER

Men may care about the fight for women’s equality but they have no place in the frontlines of this war, argues Pearl Boshomane

Pearl Boshomane asks whether you should trust a man who calls himself a feminist

‘YOU’RE BOUND TO HURT SOME DUDES BECAUSE MASCULINITY IS FUCKING FRAGILE’ ‘SO WHAT CAN MEN DO? FIRSTLY, SHUT THE HELL UP AND LISTEN’

“I’M writing a piece about why I don’t trust men who call themselves feminists.” This was a message I sent to a male friend on WhatsApp, curious to see his reaction. My friend — we’ll call him N — had a lot to say from the get-go.

First came the Steve Biko and Black Consciousness (BC) reference.

“I only [understood] the feminist* fight when I applied it to Black Consciousness and replaced whites with men, and white supremacy with patriarchy. Blunt? Yes. Mechanical? Sure. Effective? Very,” he said.

If you’re not well-versed in BC or Biko’s seminal I Write What I Like, one of the defining points of the movement was that black people and black people alone should lead it — and while the support of white people was welcome, their partaking in, critiquing of or influencing the movement was not.

N continues: “[Biko’s] disdain of liberals is also why I’m wary of even calling myself an ally. We would just cloud the debate, insert unnecessary biases and reaffirm the need (ironically enough) for feminism. We fucking preach and pontificate. And of course our male lens is so fucking inherent.”

Of course, the first reaction of some people reading this will be, “Okay, but not all men.” Yes, we know it’s not all men but that’s not the most considered response to such a topic, just as “not all white people” shouldn’t be the response to movements like Black Lives Matter and, closer to home, the various decolonisation conversations and movements that have been happening (from Rhodes Must Fall to discussions on white privilege and white supremacy).

But N is absolutely right and, as a man who over the past year has not only come to understand what feminism is truly about but also the need for it, it’s good to know he gets it. (This is the same man who, a year ago, told me “feminism is a refuge for hoes” — and he was being serious.)

However, there’s no issue with him calling himself an ally if he so wishes (especially if his actions back it up). The issue is when men think they can jump into the driving seat of feminism and the feminist conversation because they, too, are “feminists”.

If you do a quick search for the phrase “male feminists” on Twitter (or even just Google it), you’ll see that scepticism about and straight-up distrust of them is not unusual or uncommon.

So what is it about male feminists that inspires suspicion? Gosh, where to begin…?

Firstly, let me make this clear: I’m not talking about the men who are not at all feminists but identify as such anyway. This is because they’ve realised that calling themselves a “feminist’ makes them more attractive to some women. I mean, a guy who wants to deconstruct the patriarchy too? Yeah, I’m taking my panties off right now.

These are the guys who parade their so-called feminism the same way someone who has nothing going for them name drops their successful friends for attention.

The more problematic men are those who really do want to make a difference — but end up showing their male privilege when they join in our discussions and come into feminist spaces.

Actually, “join” is not the right word. The problem with male feminists is that they try to steer the conversation and tell us how to be feminist.

These are the same men who try to police our feminism; the same men who will tell feminists that they are “too aggressive” in their approach, that we drive men away by being so goddamn intense.

Back to my friend N: “The aggression in feminism is absolutely essential. That’s because of the sheer pervasiveness of patriarchy. It is so pervasive that I, as a man, simply had no basis to question it. That’s the whole point of benefitting from a status quo: you don’t even know it’s a status quo. It’s simply just the norm.

“You’re bound to hurt some dudes because, well, masculinity is fucking fragile. Palatability doesn’t challenge a status quo. It sits on the fringes and keeps the status quo comfortable. Demanding forces one, later rather than sooner, sadly, to eventually ask what the issue is. That’s a start.”

Yes, feminism is about gender equality (financial, sexual, societal etc) but it’s not about catering to male feelings and thoughts and letting them dictate how the conversation should be carried out and where it should go.

It’s a conversation that is run by women and should remain so. You’re not there in the frontlines with us — you’re one step behind us, supporting us. While there’s a need for the feminist movement, the women are Queen Elizabeth and the men are Prince Philip. You’re a supporting cast member, not the lead.

Another problem with male feminists is how — whether they realise it or not — they make feminism about themselves. “Patriarchy harms men too,” they’ll say. Yes, it does but we’re not fighting for you to be able to show your emotions without being mocked for it. Masculinity is a construct that needs to be demolished, yes, but please stop making our fight about your rights.

So what can men do to make a difference and advance the cause? Firstly, shut the hell up and listen, open yourself up to learning a thing or six about how patriarchy affects women and every single sphere of our lives.

Your role as an ally is to spread knowl- edge among other men. There’s no point in your “support” if you will still laugh at sexist jokes (“It’s just a joke”) or if you treat women like children who do not know what’s best for them (a lot of male feminists do this in some way or other).

And in the end, who better to convert men to our allies than other men? N agrees, saying he tends to be gentle when he’s schooling one of his boys about sexism, partly because “patriarchy is the most obtuse thing you will encounter”.

He continues: “We have to be fair: just because you’re conversant in intersectionality to the point where you don’t get how someone else doesn’t get it, doesn’t mean they don’t have to start somewhere. You can’t pitch a finalyear course to a first-year.”

So no one is saying men should leave us alone and go burn in hell. All I’m saying is men tend to dominate spaces, even spaces that aren’t theirs to dominate.

Let’s pretend feminism is a bus. Letting men get a seat would not be an option because for every male feminist who joins us, a woman loses a seat. You can ride in a car behind us and follow us to the destination but you’re not sitting on the bus.

Men who insist that they too should be called feminists often overtake the conversation and their voices can drown out the only voices that truly matter in the movement: those of women. And that, sir, is unacceptable. • The Merriam-Webster definition of feminism is “the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities”. The whole point of feminism is to advance women to the same level and positions that men enjoy in various spheres of society. Men are not disenfranchised; women are, so it’s a movement centred on women. This is not the feminism of the ’70s, the feminism of Germaine Greer, as that too had its failings and shortfalls. The feminism I’m speaking about is intersectional: it recognises and regards race and sexuality as part and parcel of the fight for liberation.