HELLO AND GOODBYE
Telephone conversations are so last century
I just know that I often feel super bombarded. I am suffocating under the stress of always being ‘on’
‘IS it OK to call you?” a friend texted me the other day, to which I respond with a laugh and an “Of course you can.” No, really. He was right to ask. There’s nothing I resent more than taking a telephone call, unless I really, absolutely have to. He is aware of that.
There’s only a handful of people I enjoy chatting to on the phone. No, I’m lying. My sister is actually the only one. Maybe the few hella funny friends I have, too, but more than anything, I hate talking on the phone.
I’m not all cold blooded, although many would argue that I am. Sometimes I do feel a pang of guilt — “Shame, I’m offending people here” — and I call back and make up some stupid excuse, “Sorry, I was in the bathroom,” or whatever, but for Pete’s sake, fellow humans, why do you still love phone calls so much in 20-god-darn-16???
I don’t get it. We have e-mail, WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger, really just like a million ways of reaching each other, yet some of you insist on busting up each other’s phones, logging missed calls and sending messages demanding “Answer your phone, dude,” like it’s 1995.
Dude! That message demanding I answer my phone could have been a message telling me your reason for calling. Trust me, my response will most likely be the same, except, I won’t already be annoyed by the fact that I’ve had to go through the whole “Hello, how are you?” crap, knowing full well you couldn’t catch a flying duck about my health, never mind that I just don’t share the excitement that comes with some phone calls. Like a recent one from a former friend I haven’t seen in close to a decade.
Would have been great if said old friend had introduced themself first, but also: no, dude. I’m not excited by a phone call from someone who is essentially a stranger to me.
Oh, wait! There are also people who insist on texting “Hi,” to which I will respond “Hi.” And then comes, “How are you?” leaving me feeling like a thermostat, mercury rising, about to explode. I hate that. I find it nauseating, and especially unnecessary.
Can we please stop teaching children that it’s polite to lie? You don’t care how that person you’re calling is. At the very least, do like I do — tell them you hope they are well and move right along with whatever it is you want. Just don’t lie!
The truth is, whenever my phone rings, it feels like some or other surprise is about to be sprung on me. I prefer texts to calls, because at least I have time to digest and formulate an appropriate response. But also, telling me you’ve been trying to reach me when all you’ve done is call is a lie! You didn’t try to reach me; you tried to call me. It’s only but one way of “trying to reach” anyone. But yes, you are more than welcome to call me, with the understanding that a vibration in my pocket does not compel me to jump up and answer. I’ll read your text and respond in due time, thanks.
To be honest, I have no idea what form of communication is most acceptable to me. I just know that I often feel super bombarded. Notifications, this and that, and then phone calls. I am suffocating under the stress of always being “on”. Every time a notification comes in, I feel some sort of anxiety and a need to respond immediately. It’s not a nice feeling. Add to that the incessant vibration of a phone call and I start panicking. So, really — it’s not you, it’s me. A ringing phone sends me straight into panic mode, and my way of alleviating the panic is to simply ignore the calls. I promise I will respond once I feel like the noose around my neck is a little loose. Let me breathe.