BEST BREAST FORWARD

The Pedant Class and Your Stars

HAVE a friend who once stated her objection, loudly and publicly, to the use of any word besides “breasts” for those troublesome glands found at the forefront of women.

“That is the only acceptable word for them,” she said sternly. “I will not tolerate breasts being called anything but breasts.”

The predictable result of this principled stance was a barrage of euphemisms being bandied about every time she was in hearing range. Some shouted “fun bags!” deliberately; others accidentally found themselves using the words “knockers”, “cans” and “bazookas” in her presence. (This often happens when one is trying so hard not to say the thing one should not say that one cannot help but say it. The words you want to avoid burst out uncontrollably. If you need proof of this theory, watch the film where Austin Powers makes a manful attempt not to mention the massive mole on his companion’s face.)

The point my friend was making is, however, a valid one: There is no nice, respectful nickname for breasts. They are all a bit dodgy, if not downright derogatory. The most common slang word for a breast is “boob”, which also means a stupid person or foolish mistake. If that’s not an insult I don’t know what is.

Then there’s that chain of restaurants, you know the one, the one whose name is inspired by the noise an owl makes. Hooters is on an international mission to change its image from a place for owl lovers and sports watchers and is now marketing itself as a family-friendly destination with good food. One might think this difficult given the name, but language is constantly changing and stranger things have happened. No feminist objects to the fresh-fruit bar called Melons, after all.

The thing about breasts is they come in pairs, so any word associated with them only really works in the plural. If Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre had been called “The Globes”, there might have been a roar of protest about sexism and objectification, even though the only globes on

VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You’re having quite a month. Whatever is happening in the skies, is happening in your life — and there’s lots going on up there. No point pretending you’re in control. You just aren’t — and isn’t that great? For once, you can sail through the days without a plan. By Thursday, you’ll be almost back on track. Until then, no plan is the best plan. Try it. You might find you rather like the new you.

LIBRA (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Yay! The planet of success, opportunity, abundance and fabulous good fortune is with you for the next year. Make plans now. Whatever it is, now’s the time to make it happen. Actually, no, it might be better to wait until Thursday when the planets straighten up. The only thing stopping you is that fear that you’re not yet perfect enough to deserve the best. Not true. Get moving.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

There’s a deeper message here, pushing you towards greater awareness. Most of the time, you completely forget it’s there. The planets are shoving you from behind — pushing you towards yourself. There’s a huge spiritual shift in your energy, so if your beliefs are changing, at least give them a hearing before shutting them down. It’s time to discover who you really are. stage in Shakespeare’s day were made of socks stuffed into the tunics of male actors playing female characters. Actually I’m not sure they wore socks back then. Perhaps I mean stockings.

But let’s get back to breasts. Some of the other offensive names for them are mounds, pistols, cushions, bongos, balloons, lady lumps, chesticles, spheres, cannons, jiggles, power puffs and puppies, and that doesn’t even begin to fill the cup.

Going through this list, my friend’s insistence on “breasts” is understandable. Anything else

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Get a massage. Take a nap. Your life is on the move, and you’ll need to eat your greens if you’re going to keep up. From Thursday the madness will begin to make sense, but the pace won’t let up. First, you’re thinking about new business deals — or a new business entirely. Your career is on a success path, but it needs more input. If you’re losing interest, get a partner, or add a new product.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Family driving you bananas? Just as it should be. The problem with family is, they don’t go away. So we get to work out our issues with a bunch of people who won’t leave. Remember, no one can take your power unless you let them. And to make matters worse, the communication planets are on the fritz. That ends on Thursday, after which, you get to say what you mean without causing a war.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Excellent news. Travel, prosperity, new friendships and a really good time are on the cards. You’ll have to leave the house/computer/office to experience this. The result could be a total change — of career, friends, lovers, beliefs. But you’ll quickly forget how much you love to sit in the puddle until it dries. The planets have plans for you. If you resist, they’ll hit you over the head. seems to detach these anatomical appurtenances from the human frame and present them on a plate with no connection to a real person with a face and name. Which is all rather sinister, really.

It’s not only men at fault. In 1968’s Funny Girl, Barbra Streisand sang: “When a girl’s incidentals are no bigger then two lentils . . .” And here we were trying so hard not to mention her nose.

The problem with breasts, of course, is that they also belong firmly in the sphere of poultry. It is possible that free-thinking hens complain about the objectification of their kind when they see men drooling over severed thighs and breasts. If we are ever to reattach breasts to their rightful owners and stop snickering about them, it will take a new word entirely. Anyone want to have a go? LS

PISCES (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

With two eclipses in a month and the communication planet on pause, you’ve lost track of anything resembling control. But that’s okay. Your instincts are on red alert, and provided you stop trying to please everyone for 10 minutes, you’ll be having a fascinating time. Take a salt bath. Let go of anything that no longer amuses you. And pack for an adventure.

ARIES (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Love is your lesson — and your entertainment. The planets have moved into your heart, telling you to take your pick. But as you may have discovered, carelessness begets carelessness. Treat them like toys and you’ll be played with. So here’s your chance to deal with your emotional dramas and find your mate. Or improve what you already have. Meanwhile, there are changes at work.

TAURUS (Apr 20 – May 20)

The fact is, you’re gorgeous. And even if you can’t see it, they can. If you’re still on the hunt for a soul mate, this is the week to ask — especially after Thursday. Tell the cosmos you are opening yourself up for love. Accept every invitation. No need to sit about hoping for a nudge. Mind you, if you’re offered a trip with someone delicious, delay it until next month. Just to be safe.