In at the start of a beautiful friendship
HOGARTH commissioned special correspondent Jeff Moloi to find a transcript of No 1’s telephonic conversation with The Donald.
This is what he brought back.
Trump: Mr President, good day.
No1: Hehehe... hello Mr President.
Trump: I don’t understand, what’s funny?
Zuma: Just that you said Mr President, and I said Mr President. He he he!
Nothing succeeds
THE conversation moved to No 1’s succession plans:
Trump: Anyway, listen what’s this I hear, that you’re backing a woman who’s been leading another country to become the next president of South Africa?
No 1: I beg your pardon? Oh you mean Nkosazana?
Trump: I don’t know her name, is that her name?
No 1: Yes. But I don’t understand your question . . . Mr President.
Trump: She’s been leading another country for five years. She didn’t even get a second term, now you want her to become president of your country when you step down. How is this going to work out?
No 1: Mr President you are confusing me now, she was the leader of the African Union Commission. Trump: Yes. No 1: Which country are you referring to? Oh . . . he he he. Mr President. Hold on. [Covers the phone and giggles hard.] Sorry. Hello? Mr President?
Trump: I don’t understand what you’re laughing about. I’m getting bored with this conversation. Anyway I think I’ll end this now, I have this idiot from Canada at the door.
Caesar salad
BUT The Donald still has one more thing to say:
Trump: Oh . . . before I go, I hear you’ve been talking about radical economic policy . . . that sounds communist to me, are you a communist, Mr President?
No 1: That . . . Oh no no no, I was just messing with that power-hungry boy Julius.
Trump: Julius? Julius Caesar? You have Julius Caesar there?
No 1: Who’s Julius Caesar? Has Julius changed his surname . . . where’s [State Security Minister David] Mahlobo?
Trump: All right, Mr President. Sounds like you’re getting worked up about something . . . No 1: But . . . Trump: OK, I’m done. Say hi to Nelson Mandela, tell him I got respect for him. Bye now ... Sawubona!
Brian in the house
ON Friday parliament finally confirmed the Sunday Times story that Brian Molefe would be sworn in as an MP but refused to comment on whether the parliamentary bar, currently called Barney’s, will be renamed the Saxonwold Shebeen.
A mystery for the ages
ONE of the age-old questions (or for just as long as he’s been in parliament, really) is whether Agang’s most radical member is called Andries Tlouamma or Andries Plouamma. During Andries’s state of the nation debate speech an ANC MP, apparently overcome with curiosity, decided to find out once and for all. But he was having none of it. “Go ask Minister Gigaba. It was home affairs that messed it up,” he hissed, before continuing with a speech that had more interruptions than Eskom’s power supply in 2015.
The poor guy was ordered to withdraw “parasites” and “vultures” and didn’t even get around to calling anyone a vampire or accusing them of witchcraft, like he usually does.
Raising the Tony
ONE of the most vocal critics in the Competition Commission’s rand-fixing scandal is one Tony Yengeni, who took to Twitter to loudly condemn the banks’ corrupt actions this week.
You know that the banks have done something really bad when a man who has been convicted of fraud is able to maintain the moral high ground and criticise them.
Finger-licking good
THIS week had some great moments as MPs exchanged witticisms. The prize for slapdown of the week must go to DA MP Phumzile van Damme, who was heckled by fast-food-loving Northern Cape premier Sylvia Lucas.
“Oh, put a piece of KFC in it!” said Van Damme, replacing the traditional sock.
Lucas looked as if she wanted to crawl into Kimberley’s Big Hole.
Write to hogarth@sundaytimes.co.za