For the kids’ sake
In the era of the semi-split couple, parents are looking at separation in new ways, writes
JOSIE and Wayne* lived on the same property with their two children for years after they ended their 19-year marriage.
Every year one of them would move out of the granny flat into the main house and the other into the flat, metres from the kitchen door.
Josie said: “We shared responsibilities for the children, who were at high school, and still operated as a nuclear family. We would cook together in the evenings and eat around the table.”
Wayne said: “We were honest with each other and it worked well.”
They are not the only parents to make arrangements that minimise disruptions for their children after breaking up.
In North America and the UK, the “semi-split” is becoming increasingly popular, even ordered by the courts in a few cases.
In South Africa this trend is not yet common, but parents who have got it right have seen the benefits for their kids.
One couple have a “bird’s nest” model — their three children stay with mom, and dad moves in for alternate long weekends.
Their agreement allows the mother to choose to move out for a few days or remain as she chooses.
Another older couple who got divorced and moved apart are back in the same house with their children. Their daughter said: “They love each other enough to want to be under one roof and they socialise together, but they are not romantically involved.”
Celebrity couples who split up have put alternative arrangements in the limelight.
Pauline Sevitz, divorce mediation supervisor at the Family Life Centre in the Western Cape, said: “The arrangements between couples splitting up are changing. I see different permutations and they seem to be working quite well. Living together under the same roof makes it easier for the children to access both parents.” But, she added, there was no research into the impact.
Nadia Thonnard, a counsellor and mediator for the South African Divorce Support Association, said she knew about parents living in adjoining houses with a door in the middle.
Lawyers ought not to be the ones deciding how a family should run after divorce, she said. “The family should do what works for them. Mothers and fathers should ask ‘How should I do this?’ rather than ‘What does the law say?’
“When a couple have given the ‘emotional divorce’ attention, a lot will fall into place. Then the legal divorce is just a piece of paper.”
The Marriages and Divorces study released by Stats SA last year reported that about 24 700 people got divorced in 2014, the latest figures available.
Most of the divorces were initiated by the women, who were older and in careers.
Cape Town divorce lawyer and mediator Brian Segal said: “Youngsters do get divorced, but in my practice the pendulum is swinging towards couples who have been married for 10 years or more.”
In any divorce the best interests of the children should be paramount, and Segal is not convinced that they benefit by the parents staying in one house.
“Children need stability and it may create confusion. What hap- pens if one of the parents gets another partner?” he asked.
Josie and Wayne stopped living together for that reason.
“For a few years I had a longdistance relationship with another person, but then I got involved with someone locally who moved in with us,” said Josie.
Wayne said their home life became fraught after Josie’s partner moved in.
“The kids picked up on this and then it became a question about whether it was a good arrangement or not.”
Josie said: “We moved out after my son finished matric exams. My daughter was outraged that I was moving out before she did matric.
“Wayne was very supportive all along and we treated each other with great respect.”
Johannesburg clinical psychologist Leonard Carr said children needed as much access as possible to both parents after divorce.
He said: “I have encouraged couples to move into the same complex or to live nearby each other.
“[But] if parents have such an amicable relationship that they can live pleasantly under the same roof, why did they get divorced?”
*Not their real names