Let’s Talk About Sex
My boyfriend surreptitiously removed the condom during love-making. Am I right to want to end the relationship?
Stealthing is a form of sexual assault where a person who was initially wearing a condom to have sexual penetration with another person, removes the condom during sex and does so without further consent.
Stealthing is a violation, it is nonconsensual and should be treated with contempt.
It is rape. The least you can do is end the relationship.
This violation can result in an unwanted pregnancy, the risk of sexually transmitted disease infection increases and the trauma of being raped causes havoc in people’s lives.
The very essence of what is at play means that someone consented to a specific type of sexual act, involving wearing of a condom by a sexual partner, and that person violated the conditions agreed upon.
It is possible that the person who is guilty of stealthing can ejaculate with or without knowledge of the partner and a lack of ejaculation does not make stealthing less of a violation.
Some examples of the details necessary for consent, but not limited to this list, include consent for the sexual acts to even begin, the type of sex expected, sexual positions intended, people involved in it at that time, objects to be used, the type of condom and who puts it on and when, if kink is explored, what are the nonverbal cues to continue consent or withhold consent.
Consent can be withdrawn, new consent must be sought, actively seeking ongoing consent during sexual acts is important.
Deliberate removal of a condom is always unacceptable.
A person who has been violated in this manner has a right to report to a medical practitioner for medical care; post-exposure prophylaxis may be commenced depending on the risks of STI and pregnancy as well as linkages and referral to other services such as social, legal, policing and medical, where appropriate.
Much has been written and said, especially in pop culture about this phenomenon, and it is important. Remember, ignorance is not a defence.
Dr Tlaleng Mofokeng (MBChB), sexual and reproductive health practice, Disa Clinic, safersex.co.za E-mail your questions to lifestyle@sundaytimes.co.za with SEX TALK as the subject. Anonymity is assured.