HOGARTH

Sunday Times - - Opinion - WRITE TO [email protected]­DAY­TIMES.CO.ZA

There’s a Ter­ror on my stoep

Mo­siuoa Lekota, a for­mer mem­ber of the Black Con­scious­ness Move­ment, is one quote away from join­ing AfriFo­rum. How else do you ex­plain his lat­est rants on the ex­pro­pri­a­tion-with­out-com­pen­sa­tion de­bate? This week he told TimesLive that white peo­ple who own land did not get it for free, so the state must pay for it.

Hogarth thought that was what Kal­lie Kriel was be­ing paid to say. At the rate Un­cle Ter­ror is go­ing, even Steve Hofmeyr will soon lose rel­e­vance. Where is the mil­i­tant Ter­ror who was sent to Robben Is­land? Is this an­other low­bud­get prank movie? Is that you, Schuks?

He brings Solly a six-pack ev­ery day

The Des­per­ate Al­liance is quickly catch­ing up with Luthuli House in mas­ter­ing the art of flash­ing the mid­dle fin­ger at the elec­torate. News­pa­per re­ports ex­posed an­other cadre de­ploy­ment scan­dal in the City of Tsh­wane. It turns out mayor Solly Msi­manga hired a body­builder as a se­nior ex­ec­u­tive di­rec­tor in his of­fice. Msi­manga gave the R1-mil­lion-a-year job to Ste­fan de Vil­liers, whose only qual­i­fi­ca­tions are a ma­tric cer­tifi­cate and a “train­ing cer­tifi­cate”. Moral of the story: a bit of mus­cle makes you fit for any job, espe­cially this one.

Na­ture calls be­fore gal­ax­ies

One of Hogarth’s spies at­tended the launch of the MeerKAT tele­scope, com­pris­ing those fancy con­trap­tions planted in the mid­dle of the cold Ka­roo that are able to see and read gal­ax­ies and stars.

Yep, ev­ery sci­en­tist’s dream. Since Cup­cake is gal­li­vant­ing some­where be­tween Abuja and Dubai, it was left to his deputy, the Cat (pun in­tended), to un­veil the plaque. But it turned out that the Cat had to re­lieve him­self be­fore he could com­mence with for­mal­i­ties. Hogarth’s man was as­ton­ished to see his en­tire se­cu­rity de­tail fol­low­ing him to the makeshift loo erected next to one of the tele­scopes. This man takes no chances, not even when he’s tak­ing a leak.

Merely a cat above the rest

Giv­ing the key­note ad­dress at the event mark­ing the launch of the geeky tele­scopes, the Cat was quite an­i­mated about pro­nun­ci­a­tion. At one point he re­minded his au­di­ence that the name of the ra­dio tele­scope, MeerKAT, should not be an­gli­cised. “It is not MeerCAT, it is an Afrikaans word, it’s MeerKAT,” he ex­claimed be­fore laugh­ing at his own at­tempt at hu­mour.

This man is not just a mere cat, he knows things.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? It’s Croa­tia?

Bank­ing group Absa launched a mas­sive re­brand­ing cam­paign this week, but the pub­lic re­ac­tion was about as spir­ited as the com­pany’s share price.

Absa ap­par­ently blew mil­lions of rands on the re­design of its logo, which the friendly folk on so­cial me­dia pointed out looks like the ABS warn­ing light on a car’s dash­board, or a What­sApp sta­tus icon. But the big­gest waste of moola seems to have been send­ing 300 drones into the sky over Jo­han­nes­burg on Wed­nes­day night to hover in for­ma­tion in the shape of the new logo.

Apart from CEO Maria Ramos and her cav­alry, hardly any­one saw this. Who in their right minds would be star­ing at the sky when a thrilling World Cup semi­fi­nal match was on? Oh Maria, you re­ally should choose your mo­ments — and your van­ity gim­micks.

Call out the guard — hun­dreds of ’em

Hogarth is not sur­prised that the po­lice’s Pres­i­den­tial Pro­tec­tion Unit has 81 of­fi­cers for each of the politi­cians it pro­tects. Let’s do the math. Two of­fi­cers for McBuf­falo and his wife, and 79 for each of his pre­cious Ankole cat­tle. Nkandla is also fill­ing up.

Eighty-one of­fi­cers may just be ad­e­quate for each of Msholozi’s part­ners and their prog­eny. One of­fi­cer for Kgalema Mot­lanthe and the re­main­der for each per­son who still re­mem­bers he was pres­i­dent.

With pro­tec­tion like this, no won­der some politi­cians “fear fokkol”.

Solly Msi­manga

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