Possession is nine tenths of the problem

One size fits all. To those with élan, it’s a shudder-inducing phrase. Human beings come in a mindboggling array of shapes and sizes, thus the idea that a hat with some elastic in it can properly fit every type of head suggests a kind of arrogance that flourishes only in mass production. No size fits all because we are all so different.

But if that is the case, why do we keep trying to squeeze everyone into monogamy?

Movies and swan enthusiasts are convinced that the best way to achieve happily ever after is to find someone you feel strongly about, lock them into a lifelong contract with stiff exit penalties and live out the rest of your days under the protection of the Queen somewhere outside Buckingham Palace.

On the surface of it the whole one-onone love situation seems great. I mean, who really likes sharing? But is it really? The truth is that the fossil fuel powering the monogamy industry is jealousy. Like those birds in Finding Nemo constantly quacking “mine, mine, mine”, our idea of relationships intensely revolve around the idea of possession. We clamour for freedom but woe betide the partner who enjoys those same freedoms with other kids.

For some, cheating is exchanging goodmorning texts and telling someone else about your day, whereas for others it’s only cheating if it’s anal. There’s even something called microcheating. Still, it all has to do with lying.

The idea of being monogamous becomes intrinsically tied up in the feelings, insecurities and psychology of the participants rather than a clearly defined set of rules, because at its foundation you belong to that other person and that other person belongs to you. In this kind of environment landmines abound.

Smug polyamorists/ polygamists will tell you that their way is better because it eliminates jealousy, but I’m not buying it. Ask most South African polygamists how they would feel if they were one of a roster of husbands and see how many times one man can say the word preposterous in a minute.

As for polyamory, as much as it is becoming a favourite subject of Netflix comedy series, it still seems pretty fringe. Like a drug in the clinical-trial phases, it shows promise but not enough data has been collected to start the mass rollout.

Besides, the problem with all of these ideas is that we have it in our heads that we need to pick just one. Look at the world around you — homogeneity is sooo 2010. The world, for the most part, is a hodgepodge of ideas, cultures and world views all fraternising and miscegenating in very bespoke ways. This means what works for the goose may be abhorrent to the gander. One needn’t be just a monogamist, or a polyamorist or even someone who prefers the company of battery-powered phalluses. You can be all or none of those as the situation requires.

There are certain instances in which monogamy works. For example, your partner may be the photosynthesis to your sunflower or maybe you enjoy the thrill of creeping through landmines.

The obsession with sex and jealousy “worked” for monogamy once upon a time. If, however, you are less inclined to immerse yourself in another person’s psychosis and drown them in yours, then try the other options. Bear in mind that this doesn’t even have to last a lifetime — if you are tired of monogamy, try something else. If you crave it then take a bite.

Drake told us that we only live once, so live first and worry about counting partners later. ● LS