HOGARTH
WRITE TO HOGARTH@SUNDAYTIMES.CO.ZA
Nkosazzzana Dlamini-Zzzuma
The debate this week on President Thuma Mina’s state of the nation address made for gripping viewing, even though Hogarth is disappointed that the red kindergarten army seems to have less and less reason to throw its toys.
Hogarth had to agree, though, with the “superior logic” of the gossiper-in-chief: that we have to thank those comrades who voted for Thuma Mina at Nasrec. Alternative president Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma was so dreary during the debate that even the flies on Hogarth’s wall sauntered into slumberland. Hogarth had a nightmare thinking about the NDZ speeches he would have had to listen to for five years. Special thanks, therefore, to backstabber-in-chief David Mabuza for sparing us the torture.
Whippersnapper whipped, snapped
Luckily, schoolmarm Naledi Pandor gave the gossiper-inchief something to shout about. Heaping praise on President McBuffalo, Pandor said she did not need to take lessons from anyone. Red Juju flew into a rage and accused Pandor of doing the same thing with former president Jacob Zuma, which resulted in his becoming Teflon Man. Without missing a beat, Pandor responded: “At least I can hold my head up high. I never said I’d die for anyone.”
More than one reason to celebrate
Ramaphosa closed the debate with his reply on Valentine’s Day and Mr Cupcakes dished out red roses to all women MPs and ministers, including Nomvula Mokonyane, pictured. “To the women of SA, may your Valentine’s Day be crowned with love and happiness,” said the president. At that time, uBaba kaD took to Twitter to acknowledge the “bittersweet” moment, as he was forced to step down on
Valentine’s Day last year.
One for the road
Vytjie Mentor was found wanting under crossexamination at the state capture commission. Architects sent to the Gupta compound found no evidence of the features and structures Mentor claimed to have seen there in 2010. Hogarth has a theory: Mentor stopped at the Saxonwold Shebeen before her Gupta encounter.
Roll out the barrels
Excited by the discovery of oil and gas off the coast of Mossel Bay, Uncle Gweezy, the Bosasa beneficiary and energy minister, pulled a Zuma when he addressed the house. “Total’s exploration in Outeniqua Basin injected an investment of ONE HUNDRED MILLION BILLION into our economy,” trumpeted Gwede Mantashe. Under heckling, he corrected himself to “one hundred million”.
See what happens when you don’t pay for your own security upgrades.
Bipartisan efforts
The blue party’s Phumzile van Damme, during her Sona slot, tried to sing Johnny Clegg’s Osiyeza but failed, thanks to a bout of flu. It was meant to shake those on the ANC side of the house, whom she accused of running an uncaring government. At the end of Van Damme’s solo attempt, ANC chief whip Jackson Mthembu remarked: “To show that we are a caring government, we do have doctors to assist Van Damme with her throat infection.”
But Van Damme’s boss, John Steenhuisen, sprang to her defence. “House chairperson, we also have police to assist with some ANC members.”
Friends to the right — and left
Mosiuoa Lekota is desperate for friends. He hooked up with the local branch of the Third Reich, which calls itself AfriForum.
Hogarth thinks Lekota might be dipping into AfriForum’s mampoer, judging by his accusation that President McBuffalo sold out his comrades in the ’70s. You would think that Lekota would have found some time in the past 40 years to raise the matter.
As a result, Terror has found new BFFs in the EFF. Terror must not get too cosy with Juju’s red brigade, who just a few months ago were so furious about his land comments that they wanted to test their anti-assassination klap on him.