No shellfish, two bananas
Secrets of the Sussexes
Ais for Afghanistan. Prince Harry flew sophisticated attack helicopters while stationed in the country known as the graveyard of empires. The guy simply known as Capt Wales said later he had fired at Taliban guerrillas during his four months at Camp Bastion in Helmand province.
He was asked if he felt more comfortable as Prince Harry or Capt Wales. “It’s very easy to forget about who I am when I am in the army. Everyone’s wearing the same uniform and doing the same kind of thing. I get on well with the lads and I enjoy my job. It really is as simple as that.”
Well, he probably also feels at home given that Granny is the head of the UK’s armed forces.
Bis for blind date. Ya right. Like an irresistible hunk with a “bad boy” past who as a toddler got to play hopscotch along the corridors of Granny’s castles AND a drop-dead gorgeous television star with a yoga-toned body would EVER need to find themselves blind dates.
But, according to the two, that’s how a friend hooked them up in early July 2016.
According to Meghan, the only question she asked was: “Is he kind?”
Huh. She wasn’t even tempted to ask questions such as “Will I get to try on a tiara?” or “Will I get to play with the corgis?”
Cis for costume. Before his current iteration as the coolest royal, Harry got into plenty of scrapes, some of them more serious than others. In 2005 he arrived at a party dressed as Nazi general Erwin Rommel, complete with desert uniform, Wehrmacht badge and swastika armband. (The theme for the party was “Colonials and Natives”. The English upper classes just can’t get over their diminished status in the world.)
Even by the standards of a social class known for its inbreeding, Harry’s stunt was moronic.
But perhaps he had dug the Rommel gear out of some ancestral attic. In spite of the royal family’s role in resisting the Nazi onslaught during World War 2 there were plenty of blue-bloods who admired Adolf Hitler.
Dis for don’ts. Don’t eat shellfish. Don’t keep eating after the corgis have licked the Queen’s plate. Don’t turn your back on her. Meghan apparently underwent a two-hour crash course before being invited to tea with Granny. This was a different universe for a woman who posted a picture of two bananas spooning on Instagram to hint that things were getting serious.
Not that royals always behave with dignity and decorum. During the royal tour of SA in 1947, the Queen Mother beat off a man with her umbrella. She feared he was about to attack the royal persons when he jumped onto the running board of the royal car. All the brolly-battered sod was trying to do was to give Princess Elizabeth a 10-shilling note for her 21st birthday. (Like she needed the money.)
Eis for empty. When Harry and Meghan got married in St George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle in May 2018, the seat in front of the Queen was empty. Many royalists assumed this was in honour of Harry’s mom, the late Princess Diana. No such thing. Apparently the seat in front of the queen is always left vacant. Is this because royal females never miss an opportunity to squash fanciful concoctions on their heads that channel the Mad Hatter and block any view? We’ll never know for sure.
Fis for Flower. Which is the nickname Doria Ragland, Meghan’s woke and fabulous mother, gave her beloved daughter as a kid. Ragland and dad Thomas Markle snr divorced when she was six. Dad is reportedly the kind of guy who once won $750,000 (about R11.2m) in the lottery and later went bankrupt.
Shortly before the tying of the royal knot, Meghan released a statement saying Daddy would not be able to attend the wedding after suffering a heart attack. Naturally there was no mention of staged paparazzi photographs. Nor the personal attacks he had launched on her and her in-laws. (Did nobody warn the sucker there was only one reception he could possibly receive after courting royal displeasure? A frosty one.)
Gis for Givenchy. Meghan emerged flawless in a stunning Givenchy gown at the wedding ceremony. The fashion house has a long association with celebrities. Jackie Kennedy wore Givenchy at the funeral of John F Kennedy.
When the Duke of Windsor died in 1972, Hubert de Givenchy stayed up all night to create a mourning outfit for Wallis Simpson, the American divorcée the duke had relinquished the British crown to marry.
His for HRH. In this case, HRH Prince Charles, Meghan’s father-in-law. The oldest and longest-serving heir-apparent in British history (blasted mater, so conscientious) divides opinion. Fans cite his warnings about environmental issues that go way back to the days when greens were considered certifiable. He has also been a fantastic father to his two sons.
Critics delight in excoriating him. Biographer Tom Bower portrayed him as an insufferable snob who had his own bedroom furniture sent to a friend’s country mansion in advance of a weekend stay. (HRH does have a sense of humour, though. To the accusation that he even brings along his own toilet seat, he retorted, “Don’t believe all that crap.”)
Mother-in-law Camilla also has her critics. A relative reportedly once called her “the laziest woman to have been born in England in the 20th century”.
Iis for insanity. Several of Harry’s former girlfriends bolted rather than assume the life of a royal. As Esquire magazine wrote: “The House of Windsor is placed under an impossible microscope. Too busy, and they’re wasting precious public time; too leisurely, and they’re wasting precious public time. There’s no respite.”
Esquire was responding to comments by “etiquette expert” William Hanson, who criticised Harry for wearing a “pre-assembled” bowtie to the London premiere of The Lion King.
“A pre-made bowtie may be a disaster amongst the dusty circles of etiquette experts, but it’s certainly not a man-made one,” said Esquire.
Jis for jet. The Sussexes have been criticised for speaking out about climate change while flying all over the world in private jets. The couple reportedly took four private jets in 11 days. Is this a Meghan thing? In March 2017, she and Harry attended a friend’s wedding in Jamaica. “While Harry flew to the island in premium economy, his girlfriend borrowed a pal’s private jet,” a British tabloid reported.
Royals haven’t always been big on travel, unless — like Henry V in 1415 — they wanted to conquer a blasted territory.
When George V was asked to make an official trip to The Netherlands, he replied: “Amsterdam, Rotterdam, and all the other Dams — damned if I’ll do it!”
Meanwhile the Cambridges, much further up the royal food chain, have been praised for taking a budget airline.
Kis for Kensington Palace. The opulent stage for much royal intrigue. When Princess Di biographer Andrew Morton published Diana: Her True Story in 1992, a large chunk of the content was dictated by Diana herself. Operation Diss Charles involved a circuitous plot whereby a friend smuggled tapes detailing her mistreatment at the hands of her husband and his family out of Kensington Palace on a bicycle.
Lis for love. Unlike Kate and Wills and Meghan and Harry, love was never considered a prerequisite for royal spouses. King Henry VIII (yes, he of the six wives) was so repelled by wife No 4 Anne of Cleves that he was unable to get it together on their first night — or any night thereafter.
Henry’s chief enforcer, Thomas Cromwell, had airily claimed she was a babe. (No wonder he later got his head chopped off.)
“I like her not! I like her not!” Henry shouted when he saw Anne’s large nose and pockmarked complexion in the flesh — downright cheek, as Henry himself was no oil painting. “Three of the biggest men that could be found could get inside his doublet,” commented a contemporary.
Henry packed Anne off to the countryside and married the young and comely Catherine Howard. (Anne lived to the age of 41 while Catherine had her head chopped off when she was just 18 or 19.)
Mis for mourning. When a royal travels abroad, they’re required to pack an allblack outfit is case of a sudden bereavement. The Queen was famously informed about her father’s death when she and Philip were on a trip to Kenya in 1952.
Nis for nanny. Henry VIII’s Groom of the Stool was responsible for wiping the king’s bottom. These days the intended recipient of such attention is usually still in nappies. Nannies and royalty go back a long way. The Queen reputedly sacked Prince Charles’s bottom wiper in 1956 because they disagreed on a critical point: the desirability of one particular pudding for the eightyear-old royal tummy.
Meghan has described how her mother, who has a darker complexion than she does, was mistaken for her nanny.
Ois for oven. Meghan rolled up her sleeves, tied on her apron, and baked a loaf of banana bread on Day 2 of a royal visit to Australia. And this in her second trimester of pregnancy. The theatre for this bit of baking history was Admiralty House, the Australian governor-general’s home in Sydney. No sooner had she whisked his loaf out of the oven than the duo shot off on a visit to a farm where the historic loaf was presented at tea time.
To be honest, Instagram photographs don’t exactly suggest Meghan’s efforts would win a prize at any agriculture show, but it’s the thought that counts.
Pis for princess. In this case Princess Michael of Kent, the royal equivalent of trailer trash. This minor actor in the royal soap opera symbolises the ingrained prejudices Meghan will have to overcome. She wore a blackamoor brooch to a Christmas luncheon Meghan attended. In her memoir, A Cheetah’s Tale, about big cats in colonial Mozambique, she writes about getting her first “houseboy”: “Of course it had been Rosemarie’s idea to borrow him from friends in exchange for one of her houseboys whom she wanted to learn English.”
Daddy Freiherr Günther Hubertus von Reibnitz joined the Nazi Party in 1930 and was a member of the SS Cavalry Corps, so go figure.
Qis for queen. Obviously. Some of the powers conferred on the mega-matriarch are downright bizarre. For example, Harry and Meghan don’t technically have custody of young Archie thanks to a statute that gives the “sovereign … legal custody of minor grandchildren”. Although he is second in line to the throne, neither does Wills have full custody of his brood.
Charles once had to seek the Queen’s permission before he and Diana were allowed to fly with William and Harry to Scotland. Unsurprisingly, this bizarre law dates back to the 1700s.
Another antiquated law decrees that the queen owns all porpoises, whales, sturgeon and dolphins that pass within 5km of Britain’s shores. Don’t ask.
Ris for rhino. Harry had a “lucky escape” when he was dragged by a semi-sedated black rhino in 2015. He was part of a team trying to fit one of the animals with a tracking device. “There were six guys on the ropes and they all got dragged a good 20m before they managed to stop the rope,” wrote Harry biographer Katie Nicholl.
We can safely assume that the black rhino is one species that doesn’t see the need to bow before royalty.
Sis for Spanish. Meghan studied at Northwestern University in Illinois in the US, where one of her majors was international relations. After graduating she worked at the US embassy in Buenos Aires where she perfected her Spanish.
This was an extremely tumultuous time for Argentina’s economy, when the Argentine peso dropped to 40% of its value. (There’s no suggestion that Meghan was in any way responsible for the currency implosion.)
Tis for Tutu. The couple recently posted a quote attributed the Arch: “Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.”
They explained to their social media followers that “the Archbishop is an anti-apartheid and human rights activist, who was honoured with the Nobel Peace Prize for his continued efforts to champion equality for all”.
Uis for U-turn. US President Donald Trump had to perform verbal gymnastics after commenting that Meghan was “nasty”. She had previously said she would move to Canada if he was elected. At first he tried to do the Trump dodge (deny, deny, deny) but had to eat humble pie after somebody pointed out that his words had been recorded.
Then he resorted to more Trumpery — it was fake news, taken out of context … take your pick.
Put a sock in it, Donald. This is a battle you can never, ever win.
Vis for vegan. Stories about Meghan’s food diktats are conflicting, but news reports once claimed she wanted to bring up Archie as a vegan. Poor little poppet. So he’d munch on celery sticks while his cousins tucked in to turkey at Christmas.
The Queen never gets involved in affairs of state, but while she’s had to grit her teeth with Boris Johnson running amok, she let loose this time and luckily for Archie put her foot down.
Wis for Windsor. It seems Harry and Meghan had their hopes set on living with the Queen at Windsor Castle, but Granny said no ways. Was this not a bit churlish, given that the castle has about 1,000 rooms? Surely enough breathing space for Harry, Meghan, Archie, Her Majesty and assorted corgis? Even enough breathing space if you chuck Prince Philip into the mix?
Perhaps the Queen was wary of being roped in to baby-sitting.
Instead the queen suggested Frogmore Cottage, a four-bedroom home less than a kilometre away from Windsor Castle. Nice, but not quite the oldest and largest occupied castle in the world.
X Y Zis for X-rated. As sure as night follows day, British tabloids pounced on Meghan’s role in Suits with headlines such as “Harry Girl’s on Pornhub”, claiming she could “be seen stripping off and groaning” in a video compiled from clips from the series and a hit on the X-rated site.
is for yoga. Mom is a yoga instructor and Meghan has been practising since she was a kid. Being Meghan, she wakes up at 4.30am each morning and starts the day with a yoga routine. Although everybody is expected to genuflect in the presence of the Queen, downward-facing dog is not recommended.
is for zero. The time Meghan would have for stepbrother Tom Markle jnr, who published a handwritten letter calling his half-sister a “jaded, shallow, conceited woman” and urging Harry to back out of “the biggest mistake in Royal Wedding History”. Wow. He is clearly ignorant of the fate of Anne Boleyn (beheaded) or Charles I (beheaded).