HOGARTH
Weaponising Waterkloof
Strongman Vladimir Putin, whose cold stare alone feels like it could assassinate an enemy in seconds, summoned African leaders to his resort in Sochi to tell them which of their minerals they should hand over, pronto. Knowing what’s good for them, other leaders listened attentively, but one McBuffalo was pictured taking a nap at a table close to Putin. While he was snoring away, the Vlad parked two Tupolev Tu-160 bombers (supersonic nogal) at the Waterkloof air force base. Sheesh! This one needs to wake up fast. At least under Zuma the Guptas were able to land only a passenger jet full of wedding guests.
Revolutions to make your head spin
M cBuffalo was out of town, so the Cat was our acting No 1. While the Cat was taking questions in the House of Chaos, he was ambushed by Juju’s Ice Boy, formerly known as the People’s Bae. The Ice, as if conducting a high-school quiz, asked Mabuza to define the first three industrial revolutions. The former teacher, who clearly had no clue what the young man was talking about, mumbled something like: “In terms of the first, the second and the third industrial revolution, that’s a new question because the question is looking at the fourth industrial revolution. Now you’re taking me back to the feudal way of doing things, we must start from the first, the second industrial revolution, come to the third, that will take us a long time. I am prepared if a new question is asked to explain all these industrial revolutions, up to the fourth. And I am not very sure, as a country, whether we are in the second or third industrial revolution.” At that point, the DA’s John Steenhuisen quipped: “[Mabuza] needs a phone-a-friend intervention.”
Next we’ll be mining covfefe
F reedom Front Plus MP Wynand Boshoff had a go at Uncle Gweezy, the inventor of non-existent minerals. Boshoff said prior to the release of Uncle Gweezy’s energy plan last week, he had suspected that the minister was “in cahoots with acclaimed environmentalists like Donald Trump” on the issue of burning fossil fuels.
But the goateed one took exception to being likened to the highly lampooned US president.
“Comparing me to Donald Trump is an insult, simple. So I give you the freedom to insult me because privilege of this parliament gives you that right.”
Please repeat that comment outside parliament, Mr Boshoff, Hogarth wants to say.
Party too rowdy for the pastor
P astor Dumelang went to the Desperate Alliance’s federal council and read the riot act to Gogo Helen and her backers, telling them to leave the Blue Party if they did not agree with him. “There is the door!” he shouted. Gogo was elected to the second-most powerful position in the party, and the rest of the meeting agreed with Tony Leon and Ryan Coetzee that the pastor has been the weakest link. At the end there was no need for Gogo to show the pastor the door; he saw himself out.
Partners in punctuality
T he pastor summoned journalists to the Blue Party’s headquarters to confirm what everyone knew. As they do on a daily basis at Luthuli House, the pastor made scribes wait hours for his farewell speech. First his media conference was postponed to 3pm, and then to some unknown time. When journos grew restless, an exasperated senior staff member said: “Ladies and gentlemen, we are not starting yet. We’ll start when we start.” Blimey.
It was the equivalent of ANC spokesperson Pule Mabe’s ludicrous statement, “We are in a meeting, the mood is that of a meeting.” Leon and Coetzee were on the money, MyMoney had indeed turned their party into ANC-Lite.
Welcome to the wilderness
H ogarth’s moles in the DA say Pastor Dumelang had planned to address the blue caucus on Thursday to persuade members he should stay on as parliamentary leader. So he flew all the way to the Cape on Wednesday night. But Gogo’s people had other plans. Just when he was putting the final touches to his sermon, the pastor got a call from caucus chair Annelie Lotriet.
“I told him it’s not a matter of resigning as parliamentary leader, you are automatically not a leader,” she said. The power of Godzille.