I’ve always been bad with numbers

Iwas boarding a plane when a very lovely young flight attendant offered to help me with my luggage because he could see I was pregnant.

I was momentarily conflicted. Yes, I definitely wanted him to help me with my luggage, I’d been humping those verkakte bags around Europe for weeks. But I also wanted to order a couple of whiskies from him after we took off. So, I responded with my standard I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat line.

I was on my way home from Italy. It’s not my fault I accidentally ate every strand of pasta in the country.

I moaned about it to a friend, saying I was never eating again. Or getting on an airplane again. Or being nice to a flight attendant again. She pointed out that at least he thought I looked young enough to fall pregnant.

Bring on the silver lining.

How do I feel about ageing? Not that brave. Slightly more hopeful since I started following Advanced Style gurus on Instagram. And better than I would have felt if I was a 45-yearold woman in any other decade. But still, I can’t say I’m being very grown-up about it.

Hence the dilemma: would you rather appear fatter and younger, or thinner and older? I did spot research among some friends, but they were no help. Their answers were all over the board.

I also happened to eat Istanbul out of house and home on this trip, and the city’s stance on ageing seems clearer. After coming across Strangely Bandaged Head Guy No 15, I Googled “men with massive bandages on their heads in Istanbul” to see if it’s a thing. And it is. Every year, many thousands of Turkish men sell their hair, from root to tip, to men who flock to the capital for a cure for baldness.

We do safaris and facelifts and they do Turkish Delight and hair transplants.

After spending 160 hours mulling it over on the treadmill since my return, I think I’m leaning towards fatter and younger.

Thanks for the epiphany, flight attendant. It seems easier to lose weight than it is to reverse ageing. Cheaper too. And I’d rather do a billion sit-ups than to try to figure out how to alter the world’s attitude towards ageing women.