How to talk to kids about sex

● SA child-rights activist and researcher Joan van Niekerk says as soon as a child asks questions about sex they should be answered accurately, but also appropriately for their age.

In general, age development can be divided into six intervals: newborns (age 0 to four weeks); infants (four weeks to one year); toddlers (12 months to 24 months); preschoolers (age two to five years); schoolgoing children (age six to 12 years) and teens (age 13 to 19).

Van Niekerk stressed there was no definite age to speak to children about sex, but gave some basic guidelines:

Infants and toddlers: Self touching

Masturbation, or self touching, should be spoken about at a very young age. It is a normal developmental process and it is not unusual for children to masturbate.

This should be spoken about as early as two years old. It’s natural for children to touch themselves, even as young as six months old. But the conversation needs to be that it’s something they must do in their own bedrooms and by themselves.

It is damaging to smack or scold young children for touching themselves, because it tells them they are doing something wrong and it makes them secretive when it comes to their own sexuality.

Toddlers and preschoolers: Sex

Basic facts can be given at any age, as long as parents are sensitive to the child.

The specifics of the information can be guided by how much information the child is asking for. For example, a child at four years old could ask “how did I grow in your tummy”, and you could honestly reply that “mommy had a seed inside her”.

As children get older they may ask “how did the seed get there?” and you can say that “daddy planted the seed”.

Fobbing children off or telling lies — like the stork story — could make children lose trust in parents or teach them to be ashamed to ask about sex.

It is important to stress from an early age that sex is between adults.

Schoolgoing children: Sex

If a child has not asked questions about sex by the time they begin developing, or when their peers begin to develop, then it is time for the parent to initiate the conversation.

Teens: Sexual orientation and comprehensive sex

Speaking to children about sexual orientation should take place from age 12 to 14.

This conversation needs to come in the early teens, but it is important to stress with children that their sexuality is still developing and that if they feel turned on or [if they] masturbate to the image of the same sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are gay or heterosexual.

Children need to learn that sexual orientation is not a choice but is developed in childhood. This is also the age to dispel any myths about masturbation.

Children in their early teens need to be taught comprehensively about sex. In early teens, especially in girls, there need to be conversations around pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and menstruation.

But this is also important for young boys. It needs to be stressed that contraception is the responsibility of both parties.