Our stressed-out country needs to chill
‘Everyone seems to be on edge at this time of year. It’s November-itis — we are close to the end of the year but not there yet,” says life coach Judy Klipin, on a hot day in Johannesburg. “People are frazzled, literally and figuratively.”
Klipin, the author of Recovering from Burnout: Life Lessons to Regain Your
Passion and Purpose, says anger often masks other emotions, “like feeling overwhelmed and helpless”.
Simmering anger is common in SA, except maybe after a Bok Rugby World Cup victory. Anger is a problem when it erupts in aggression and violence. According to a global survey, incidents of road rage are increasing faster in SA than anywhere else in the world. Examples abound. A motorist punched deaf Olympic swimmer Terence Parkin recently. Bloemfontein medical student Thobekile Mbhele was assaulted on her way to church by a couple at a traffic light.
But anger can be managed, and increasingly South Africans are approaching therapists to treat intense anger — which is exacerbated by substance abuse — and its shadow, stress.
Shelton Kartun, founder of the Anger & Stress Management Centre, says demand for its services is on the rise. “We have become almost like a doctor’s practice,” he says. “We see one patient after another.”
The original centre, founded in Cape Town in 2004, is now one of seven across the country.
“I see a lot of anger,” says clinical psychologist Hayden Knibbs. “It seems to be quite prevalent.”
Everyone experiences anger and the incidents that prompt people to seek professional help range from mild outbursts to blind, destructive fury.
“I saw someone who punched a fish tank and landed up having 27 stitches in the arm but had no recollection of it,” says Kartun.
Most cases are less extreme and can be defused if people are alert to what triggers their rage before it escalates.
Roughly one in 10 South Africans have a lifetime risk of “intermittent explosive disorder”, says cognitive behavioural therapist Lori Eddy. Anger and aggression are learnt responses that “can be unlearnt” she says.
Kayla Phillips, spokesperson for the South African Depression and Anxiety Group, says few people get in touch while they are still in the grip of rage. “People normally call us after the moment. Only once they have realised they do have a problem with anger do they call us.”
Living in a fast-paced world in which retrenchments, corruption, rape and other violence are common provides plenty of triggers for anger, says life coach Lindiwe Mkhondo.
“This creates a constant state of inner turmoil, anxiety, stress and anger … All this turmoil on the outside creates knee-jerk reactions and anger,” she says.
“We are used to reacting habitually. Giving in to anger is a sign of weakness. While you think you are in power while in that state — the truth is you have lost all your power.”
Being alert to the body’s cues that anger is building, and learning techniques such as breathing can help to calm the inner storm.
Knibbs says: “If you jump to anger, there is very little you can do except fight. Anger limits your effective engagement with the world. Normally, people experience some emotion before anger. Perhaps they are hurt and get angry, or they feel wronged, or expect something and they get angry when this need is not met.”
In his experience, unfulfilled needs are a huge reason for anger — and these can stretch back to childhood.
Eddy says she also sees anger among clients who feel threatened or intentionally mistreated. “Too frequently it is aggressive or problematic anger, but anger can be a healthy response when appropriate.”
The outrage against gender violence that flared up after University of Cape Town student Uyinene Mrwetyana was raped and killed is long overdue.
Righteous anger needs to burn brightly. The other kind of anger, the type that needs to be managed or treated, is the potential wildfire set off by a spark that can see people’s relationships, jobs, dreams and even lives go up in smoke.
Eddy defines problematic anger as “inappropriate, too intense and too frequent”.
Angry people risk doing themselves as much harm as they do to the targets of their rage. A flood of stress hormones, released when a person is enraged, increases the risk of inflammation and disease.
The causes of chronic and acute anger are legion, but one common cause is feeling unheard and disregarded, day after day, until the person blows up with frustration and makes rash decisions.
“They will often shout or storm out of a conversation or out of a meeting,” says Klipin.
Post-traumatic stress and fear are common in SA and can spark outbursts of rage.
“We are a wounded nation,” says Mkhondo, who teaches inner discipline. “People carry a lot of unresolved traumas from the past and these play a part in how people just overreact and act in anger. It’s like we put a bandage over our wounds and now it’s an abscess showing up in our acts of rage.
“You cannot act from a state of calm and peacefulness when deep down you are still bitter, hurt and angry about things of the past. The ability to let go, forgive and heal is very critical.”
Typically, men struggle more than women with anger and teenage boys are particularly prone to it. Kartun says: “I’m seeing more boys. They tend to act out aggressively. From about 15 to 18 years old, some teenagers get out of control, smashing things and threatening and destroying their family life. When they get older, they can get into fights.”
But he says older clients, in their 30s and 40s, are evenly split between men and women. Elderly people who become frail, losing their health, their loved ones and their freedom, are also vulnerable to anger.
Kartun says that in general people with rigid beliefs about what is right and how things “should” be have high expectations and are more likely to get angry.
Sleep deprivation lowers the threshold for lashing out, he says.
Mkhondo recommends mindfulness, breathing exercises and meditation as strategies to avoid uncontrollable anger.
Talking openly and respectfully, and communicating about your day and how you feel, are ways to pre-empt irritation and anger at home.
While explosive anger can feel good, it is like winning a battle but losing the war.
Constant fighting chips away at compassion and distorts the way couples think about each other until their relationships break down.
“Children start learning the habits they get role-modelled for them,” Kartun notes. But this pattern can be reversed, he says, giving the example of a couple who were no longer talking to each other.
“The wife was already speaking to a divorce lawyer but she was prepared to come and see me … and get things off her chest. Just by witnessing the amazing changes in her husband, she started softening. She stopped the divorce proceedings and they are back together again. This is absolutely possible.”
We are a wounded nation. People carry a lot of unresolved traumas from the past and these play a part in how people just overreact and act in anger. It’s like we put a bandage over our wounds and now it’s an abscess showing up in our acts of rage
Lindiwe Mkhondo Life coach