This is a crisis that bugs bunny
During these grave times, there is a figure synonymous with Easter who is able to provide us with a clear-sighted look at ourselves. Sue de Groot spoke to the boss of the bunnies
Tracking down the Easter Bunny (known as EB to his subjects) was not easy. Like most of the rest of the world, the famous rabbit has gone to ground and is hunkering down in the warren with his clan. When the Sunday Times eventually managed to connect with him through an underground network, Bunny No 1 agreed to speak to us via the rabbit communication app Zoomer, on condition we also gave eartime to some of his nation’s long-held grievances. Looking pale and slightly ruffled, the top bunny said he was not enjoying lockdown one bit (“It’s like being relegated to a bunnystan,” he said) but he understands the seriousness of the Covid-19 threat and fears that if the coronavirus gains a foothold among his subjects, it will multiply faster than even rabbits do.
“We’re not going up there until someone pulls a vaccine out of a hat,” he said.
Until then, all rabbits ruled by EB are under strict instructions to remain in the warren. Their gregarious nature has presented some challenges in implementing a social-distancing policy, but EB has tried to make the new regime as comfortable as possible in the five major burrows.
“Instead of sharing food as we normally would, we’ve set up a long table in the warren with small piles of mixed vegetation set along it at intervals,” he said. “That way we can still eat together but with a safe space between us. We call it a warren buffet.”
So far, few lockdown violations have been reported and the Hawks, an elite peacekeeping unit, have not had to swoop on any recalcitrant rabbits.
EB is reputed to be a benign dictator who uses reward rather than punishment to extract loyalty from his subjects. “I prefer the carrot to the stick,” he said.
He is, however, worried about the financial repercussions of a lockdown over Easter, on which the rabbit economy is based.
“If we can’t get our Easter eggs out we will be in serious trouble,” he said. “Other businesses are adapting by shifting their focus to online platforms and cybersales, but unfortunately you can’t eat virtual chocolate.”
With uncharacteristic humility, EB said he now regrets not listening to the advisers who recommended diversification into other markets. “They told me not to put all my eggs in one basket,” he said. “But I didn’t listen.”
In an attempt to stave off a recession, rabbits deemed essential workers have been permitted to dig deep to create profitable pathways. Instead of shipping their goods to various markets by airfreight as they normally would, new intercontinental sales avenues have been opened by tunnelling under the oceans.
There has been some collateral damage, however, such as when a rogue rabbit chewed through an undersea cable, causing an internet slowdown in Africa. The break has since been repaired and the offending bunny has been placed under arrest.
EB did not want to comment on whether this might have been deliberate sabotage by a member of the Easter Freedom Fighters (EFF). The left-leaning group of bunnies have been a thorn in the despot’s side since they first started rallying popular support. Their ethos is that delivery bunnies are exploited by the global conglomerate We Move Chocolate (WMC) and they wish to free rabbitkind from the slavery of commerce.
The roots of this rebellion run deep and the onset of the coronavirus has fanned flames of resentment that have smouldered since another virus almost eradicated the world’s leporids.
“It’s bad enough that the scientific name for our family sounds like a spotted cat,” said EB, “but humans have done far worse things to us.”
He was referring to the ill-fated attempt to control the rabbit population in Australia, and later Europe, by the deliberate introduction of myxomatosis in the 1950s. Millions of bunnies died as a result.
“We might have become extinct as a species had some of our ancestors not developed resistance to the virus,” EB said. “We could teach the world a thing or two about fighting pandemics, I tell you.”
Putting on his spectacles to quote from a well-worn document on his desk, EB read aloud to us: “The long-term failure of this strategy was the consequence of natural selective pressures on both the rabbit and virus populations, which resulted in the emergence of myxomatosis-resistant animals and attenuated virus variants. The experience is regarded as a classical example of host-pathogen co-evolution following cross-species transmission of a pathogen.”
While he does not agree with their ideology or militant methods, he understands the
EFF’s anger. “It might have happened a long time ago, but rabbits have long memories as well as long ears. We don’t forget the injustices of the past and we still feel the effects today.
“Some of those scientists are still alive and have never had to answer to a court for their crimes. The EFF wants a commission of inquiry established to bring the perpetrators to justice. They are also campaigning to get back land that was stolen from us.”
He is adamant that a free market economy, driving growth and expansion in the chocolate-egg sector, is essential for the continued survival of his species, but EB does find it somewhat ironic that rabbits earn a living from Easter when, in warrens all over the world, bunny families are making preparations for Passover.
“This is the time of year when we give thanks for the ones who remained underground and were spared when the plague passed over their burrows nearly 70 years ago,” he said. “Once we are done with egg deliveries, we gather for a ceremony presided over by the Chief Rabbit. Then we have a feast.”
It is not entirely clear how bunnies came to be associated with Easter. Most historians point to ancient German folklore, in which the mythical figure that represented moral judgment was a hare. When Christianity began, this somehow transmogrified into a rabbit who handed out rewards.
“It’s all a bit murky,” said EB. “Even the idea that one hare could judge everybody is ridiculous. Back in those times, Vikings and Vandals were robbing and pillaging all over the place. The courts, which only operated in March, incidentally, must have been insane. Can you imagine the demands on the hare judge’s time? Everyone would have been calling: ‘Here, hare, here!’ I know hares are fast but there’s no way he could have presided over all those cases. No wonder he went mad.”
On the politics front, EB was scathing about announcements made recently by several leaders who playfully decreed him an essential worker. It started with Mark McGowan, a regional Australian premier, who posted an official-looking document on Twitter granting “special eggs-emption” to EB and authorising him “to travel freely into and throughout the State of Western Australia for the essential service of egg delivery”.
Others quickly picked up on this and issued their own proclamations. EB is offended by these pranks. “What a bunch of clowns,” he fumed. “Do they really think I would risk the health and safety of my family and friends — and all my friends are also family, as it happens — by sending them above ground to deliver chocolate to human kids? To add insult to injury, the person who started this nonsense is from the country that tried to wipe us all out.”
He is similarly annoyed with Irish health minister Simon Harris, who announced that after consulting with Ireland’s “top doctors”, EB would be allowed to deliver eggs but had been contacted “to remind him about washing his hands regularly and keeping his distance”.
This prompted a furious response from EB, who asked: “How is a rabbit supposed to wash its hands? Even if we had hands, only a few fortunate families have running water. There are parents with up to 700 children squashed into tiny burrows with no windows. We’re already hot cross bunnies. We don’t need this mockery.”
He was slightly more forgiving of other leaders who jumped on the bunnywagon. “At least New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern had the grace to point out that we were at home taking care of our own. She warned the greedy humans that we might not get to them this year.”
In SA, a document purportedly issued by the deputy minister of tourism — claiming that the Easter Bunny had tested negative for coronavirus and had been granted permission by all government departments to deliver eggs while following safety protocols — has swiftly been dismissed as fraudulent. But EB is concerned about the damage done by fake news even after it is exposed as garbage.
“There’s this thing going round on social media that I was supposed to have written. It says the World Health Organisation has declared us bunnies virus-free. That’s not just disrespectful, it’s downright dangerous. How am I supposed to get claustrophobic families to take lockdown seriously when they read rubbish like that? With not much else to do we’re all going down the internet rabbithole and falling into fake-news traps.”
As for the trend of making chocolate bunnies wearing face masks that has taken off among chocolatiers, all EB has to say is: “Too little too late. Where were those masks when we were fighting myxomatosis?”
To show his commitment to extended emergency measures in a time of coronavirus crisis, EB has been wearing a red beret when making online appearances.
“It’s a sign to both the humans and the rabbits that this is a time of red alert,” he said. “We’re all caught in the headlights of this thing and we are frightened, but we’ll get through it if we stand together. It might even make us better bunnies.”
How is a rabbit supposed to wash its hands? Even if we had hands, only a few fortunate families have running water. There are parents with up to 700 children squashed into tiny burrows